Welcome aboard Pay’n’Fly, the new a la carte airline. This is your in-flight cashier speaking.
If you chose not to check your baggage for our modest surcharge of fifty-nine-ninety-nine, feel free to place it in the overhead compartment. Actually, I shouldn’t say feel free. You’ll notice a coin slot next to the compartment, which accepts ten silver dollars for storing one bag. If you do not have silver dollars, the flight attendant passing through the cabin, the one wearing a coin changer on her belt, will be pleased to sell them to you for a surcharge of one dollar per dollar.
As soon as you’re settled in, we’d like to suggest you turn your attention to the flight attendant in the aisle for important safety information. If you’d like to hear what she’s saying, please put on the headset you rented for nine-ninety-nine.
If you did not purchase one, and you are not able to lip-read, just follow along on the safety card in the seat pocket in the seat in front of you, for which you will be charged a two-twenty-nine use fee. If you don’t wish to use the card, you might ask a neighbor to share a headset with you, but please bear in mind the neighbor paid the nine-ninety-nine, if you understand what I’m saying.
Once we have reached our cruising altitude and the captain has turned off the seat belt sign, the flight attendants will pass through the cabin offering a variety of light meals, starting at fourteen-ninety-nine and consisting of peanut butter and jelly on a hamburger bun, and ranging up to twenty-four-ninety-nine for our plate du jour, which today consists of salad greens, hard-boiled egg and two slices of salami. A choice of dressing is available for a nominal charge.
Soft drinks, water, tea and coffee are also available from the rolling a-la-cart. We have an introductory special today: a bottle of water and a paper cup to drink it from for one price of five-ninety-nine, and you may keep the cup as a souvenir at no extra charge. Canned sodas are market price, and beer, wine or liquor may also be purchased at market prices, based on current charges at the Ritz Hotel in Tokyo, plus miscellaneous luxury and import taxes.
We’re also pleased to offer in-flight entertainment to make your trip more enjoyable. Today, we have a live performance of mimes in the sky, a first in air travel.
Since headsets are not required for the show, there will be a service charge of six-ninety-nine for watching it. If you choose not to see the performance, please place the complimentary blackout masks over your eyes, but be sure to remove them if you need to go to the onboard lavatories, of which there are two at the rear of the plane and one forward. The forward one is our premium lavatory, offering paper towels, soap and water, for an entry charge of four silver dollars. The rear lavatories are economy class, for those who feel no need to wash up or dry, and are only two dollars.
We want to remind you that Pay’n’Fly Airlines has taken every step to ensure a comfortable flight. Our small white pillows may be rented for an introductory price of seven-ninety-nine.
If you would like to keep the pillow as a souvenir, along with the plastic drinking cup, you may take it home for just another twelve-ninety-nine. Where else can you find such a nice, small pillow for under twenty dollars?
Blankets are also available for rent. The economy size, which covers your knees only, is just seven-ninety-nine; the king size, which reaches all the way to your ankles, is only twelve-ninety-nine.
This concludes our free welcome-aboard message. For in-flight updates along the way from the captain, you will also need a headset, tuned to the cockpit channel. Otherwise, you can try your neighbor again, but please be aware of the shared headset surcharge of eight-ninety-nine.
Thank you for flying with us today. And remember, on Pay’n’Fly Airlines, you always get what you pay for, and nothing more.
Arnold Grossman lives in Denver. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.
