Dear Margo: I am caught between two cultures and religions. I am finishing graduate school and planning to move to a new city, where my boyfriend is doing graduate-school work. My parents are deeply religious and from a different culture. They are adamantly against us living together before marriage, but my boyfriend is in a challenging program, and I’ll just be getting on my feet and looking for work in a new city. Planning a wedding is the absolute last thing we want to do right now. (Sleep ranks at the top of my free-time list.)
We’ve offered to have a civil marriage now and have a “real wedding” later. That compromise flopped, since my mother wants to turn the civil marriage event into a blowout wedding to which she can invite relatives I barely know to prove I’m not living in sin. My mother is accusing me of hating her and the rest of my family because I “don’t want them around for the most important day of my life.” Neither I nor my long-suffering boyfriend is particularly religious, but I can’t think of any more compromises. Please help. I am at the absolute end of my rope. — East (of Crazy) Meets West.
Dear East: It sounds to me as if you’ve done everything to make your parents feel comfortable and they are being unreasonable. I would have one more talk with them saying you and your boyfriend are, in fact, intimate; it is none of the relatives’ business; you are proceeding at a pace that works for you; you’ve already offered to have a legal marriage to give them comfort and they’ve refused. Then do what is best for you. They will either come around — or they won’t. You’re a big girl now and have chosen to be culturally an American. — Margo, contemporarily
Vodka Rocks and Sheets and a Blanket?
Dear Margo: I am hosting a party and am wondering whether it’s my responsibility to also offer guests overnight accommodations. A few have commented that they’re looking forward to my party and plan to have such a good time that they’ll possibly need to “crash” for the night. All my guests are local and in their late 20s to mid-30s. These friends typically offer places to sleep when they host parties, and this seems to be the norm for them. (I have never taken them up on it.)
I appreciate my guests’ desires to avoid driving drunk, but I’m not necessarily comfortable putting them up for the night. I obviously wouldn’t throw someone out if they would be a danger to themselves or others, but I would appreciate my guests drinking moderately enough so that they could safely return home at the end of the night … as I do when I attend a party. Should I suck it up and get sheets and blankets ready for the sofas? If not, how can I politely tell them they shouldn’t plan on spending the night? — Not Looking for Overnight Company
Dear Not: Better yet, tell those few guests who plan to have such a good time that they can’t see straight to, by all means, have a good time … but not so much that they will need lodging. A good way to avoid drunk driving is not getting drunk. You, as the hostess, might want to keep track of how fast your supply of whatever you’re serving is dwindling, because hosts, like barkeeps, can be sued if they over-serve someone and there’s an accident. Maybe because I’m an old bat it is a foreign concept to me that guests get so tanked they wind up staying over, but I suggest you tell people, in advance, that overnights are not part of the invitation. Should anyone get really schnockered, have someone else take them home, or call a cab. Sheets and blankets should not become de rigueur when entertaining at home. — Margo, reasonably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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