Dear Margo: A sticky situation certainly will come up, and I’m trying to figure out what to do when it does. I refer to one of my mom’s brothers as “Uncle Slime.” He is the most mean-spirited, selfish narcissist I have ever known. He speaks poorly of my mother to anyone who will listen. I have heard of this from many people. She is actually the nicest, kindest, most caring person I know. There are other loved ones he has hurt, too, but I am mostly protective of my mom.
The dilemma will come when he dies. Do I go to the funeral for the sake of his kids I do care about? (Three of his seven children take after him.) Do I not go because I, frankly, do not like him or his trophy wife? By the way, this all started when my grandpa died and my mom asked him to not wear blue jeans to the funeral like he did to my grandma’s funeral. — Planning Ahead
Dear Plan: I’ll say you’re planning ahead. I mean, Levi Strauss is still with us. However, I will help you look to the future so that when the time comes you won’t even have to think about what to do.
I believe you should go — if only for your mother and the four cousins you do like. Wearing blue jeans to a funeral suggests Uncle Slime has no judgment at all, so I’m guessing anyone who hears him badmouth your mother discounts it right away. Your question is another version of people wondering whether or not to attend a wedding if they don’t like the choice of bride or groom. I think attending weddings or funerals should not be a referendum on the choice of a spouse or the personality of the deceased. Were this the case, the pews would often be half-empty. — Margo, appraisingly
Don’t Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, as They Say
Dear Margo: I have a backward problem. I’m getting married this summer, and my parents love my fiance — any parent would, he’s a wonderful man. I’m thankful he fits in so well, but sometimes I feel they value him more than me. It’s baffling because I was never a black sheep or anything like that. There have been times in our relationship when he did something that annoyed me and I called my mom to vent and found myself listening to her defending him. I wasn’t even asking for her to take sides. Just recently, my dad did something that left me feeling cornered and, therefore, obligated to participate in an event. When my mom asked me whether I was going to be there, I told her about my irritation. Her response: “Well, does ‘Sam’ feel that way, too?” She showed no empathy until she thought Sam might share my feelings.
I can’t help but feel my parents no longer value my feelings or opinions in matters that involve Sam. I am hesitant to tell him how much my parents are bugging me, because I don’t want him to start seeing them as the dreaded in-laws. So my question to you is this: Am I wrong for feeling slighted, or am I being overly sensitive? — Alabama
Dear Al: Indeed, yours is “a backward problem,” because more often the complaint is that the parents can’t stand the man in their daughter’s life. I do think you’re being overly sensitive, and I’m pretty sure what’s at play here is that your mom and dad are thrilled with Sam, which in no way takes away from their affection for you. Because of their affection for him, they may be going a little overboard with their overall approach of “What does Sam think?” Try to rearrange your thinking so that you regard your folks’ positive feelings as a vote of confidence. And my guess is that you have no brothers, so your intended is the wonderful son they never had. — Margo, fondly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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