Dear Margo: My husband and I are in our late 20s and have been married nearly five years. It’s been a fairly good and happy marriage. Before we got married, we agreed that we would move to my home state (a 12-hour drive away) in five or six years, and also that we would have children in that same timeframe. Now that the five-year mark is fast approaching, my husband is getting cold feet. He is happy with the life we have and doesn’t particularly want children — too much responsibility and money and too many obstacles to being able to go out with friends on a whim, etc. He is also now firmly against moving. When I bring up that he agreed to these things, he says, “But at the time, five years seemed so far away.”
This has definitely become a point of contention in our relationship. Even though I’m fairly happy now and I do love him, I feel I will get more sad and depressed with each passing year, and I’m having thoughts that maybe I should leave him now so I have time to move home, find someone else and have children instead of wasting more time. Should I try to wait him out, or is there a better solution? — Looking to the Future
Dear Look: Get out your scale, because you need to weigh all the factors in terms of their importance to you: this man, this marriage, which city will be home and having children. Your opening salvo should be to tell him that some of your decision to marry him was based on his agreement with the five-year plan, and that you feel he has broken an implicit contract between the two of you. If the suggestion that you might have to rethink your options does not move him to come to a satisfying compromise, then, as I said, you will have to prioritize. (I, personally, do not think that going out with friends “on a whim” is a particularly mature reason to remain childless.) One thing I would not do, however, is “try to wait him out.” If you lose that bet, you will be out of time and out of luck. — Margo, decisively
Cringe-Worthy or Amusing?
Dear Margo: This is a little odd, but I am not writing about a problem my husband and I are having, but about a problem our friends are having with us. Truly, we are in a happy, functioning marriage. We really do like each other, but we get divorced several times a day. Some people confuse what we think of as “friendly fights” with serious discord. We’re just in the habit of correcting each other and probably playing devil’s advocate more than most couples. It has always been this way between us (18 years), and we are none the worse for wear. Some good friends are used to us, but others think we are the Bickersons on the brink of divorce. Do you think we’re nuts? — Contented
Dear Con: I would not say nuts … maybe argumentative. Some couples actually thrive on the relationship you describe. There are varying degrees of “friendly fights,” however, and I’ll take your word for it that you are just two prickly personalities who enjoy the battle.
In some instances, though — and this is what the outer circle of friends may be perceiving — romantic partners who really don’t like each other feed on the warfare, and in a strange way, that is what keeps the marriage together. This, of course, is neurotic, if not punitive (think “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”). I have found that smart people don’t hang around with seriously angry couples. Perhaps you could tone down your contretemps when you’re in public so that you don’t scare people. — Margo, reasonably
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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