Dear Amy: I have been living with my “significant other” for two years.
He has a son with another woman; the boy is almost 6 years old. This child lives with us, but he visits his mom regularly — except when she is in jail.
When he is with his mother, there is no structure or discipline at all. She also showers him with gifts and clothes.
When he comes back from seeing her, he is rude, mouthy and ungrateful.
She does what I refer to as “guilt parenting.”
My question is, should there be two separate, complete birthday parties for this child — one thrown by her and one thrown by us? I say no.
I feel she can throw him a party and we can attend or, if we don’t attend, we can have a small gift opening with cake and ice cream.
But why in the world would we spend all that money to throw a whole second party? Don’t you think one party is plenty? — Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: I agree with you that one party is plenty.
However, although I also agree with you about your basic assessment of what is going on here, I worry about your attitude toward this child.
Describing a not-quite 6-year-old as “rude, mouthy and ungrateful” is harsh.
A child bounced between split parents often “acts out” when they try to return to the custodial parent’s home after a visit with the noncustodial parent. If you can imagine the pressure this very young boy is under at both ends of his visits, it might give you insight. He is returning from a home where he is overindulged and may not have a good sleeping or eating schedule.
The fact that his mother is sometimes in jail (as you say) means she is erratic; all of this would have a negative impact on this child.
Look at the big picture. The child’s dad should make sure the mother is providing a stable environment for the boy during his visits. All of you should meet with a family therapist to review his behavior during and after visits (your local children’s advocacy agency should offer mentoring and parenting classes).
The mother’s parenting is lacking (at best), but you and your man can be heroes to this little guy by being the parents he deserves to have.
Dear Amy: I’m wondering how to handle a situation with my mother and stepfather. After a barrage of complaints by my mother about my father’s infidelity during the marriage, my stepfather said, “The best thing that ever happened to your mother was when her first husband died.”
My father died more than 55 years ago, leaving my mother and four young children in near poverty.
I thought this was thoughtless, and I let them know. My mother knows my siblings and I loved our father dearly. Hardly a day goes by without my still thinking of him.
I don’t plan to ever see my mother and stepfather again. This is the straw that broke the camel’s back!
They didn’t apologize and seemed to feel we were parting with no hard feelings.
Would it be anticlimactic if I wrote and let them know why I won’t see them again? — Charlene
Dear Charlene: It wouldn’t be “anticlimactic” to send this letter. I assure you, it would be quite climactic.
I agree that this was a thoughtless and rude remark. Although you don’t mention the other straws piled up on the camel’s back when this particular straw broke it, I’d urge you to consider writing but not sending your letter.
By my math your mother and stepfather are elderly. You might ask them again not to speak ill of your father and give them a chance to apologize and correct their behavior before you completely cut them off.
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