Dear Amy: My husband is retiring after 32 years as a family-practice doctor.
His patients have expressed their thanks in so many ways, and I do not know how to thank them back. Some have written very heartfelt cards; some have come in person to thank him; others have sent him gifts.
How do I properly thank them for their thanks? — Wondering Wife
Dear Wife: Your husband should scratch out a note to each person who personally expressed good wishes to him.
If this task is so daunting that you both know he won’t (or can’t) do it, he should write a charming, warm and sincere letter to send to all of his patients, thanking them for placing their trust (and their babies, limbs and lives) into his hands.
After expressing his gratitude, he should say, “My wife and I are so touched by the many good wishes, notes, cards and gifts you have sent to us; we head into this next phase of life humbled and grateful to have known you, in sickness and health.”
Then he should wish them good health and happiness and sign his name. If he writes a personal line at the bottom of each letter, the recipient will feel acknowledged and thanked.
Dear Amy: I received an e-mail message from my live-in boyfriend’s mother detailing many gory details of his parents’ divorce proceedings and asking me to respond.
My boyfriend and his mom do not get along especially well (his mom has a history of personality and mood disorders and she behaves inappropriately), so he and his siblings write off everything his mom says as false.
I feel like her e-mail to me was completely inappropriate, and I don’t have any idea what to say in response. It is a very touchy situation because I do not want her to dislike me. Also, if any of what his mom says is true about his dad I don’t know if I’ll be able to look at his dad the same way again. Please advise. — Awkward Ear in Illinois.
Dear Awkward: Walk a wide path around this. This e-mail is personal plutonium to you; if you get too close to it, you risk contamination. This was a tremendous boundary breech on the part of your boyfriend’s mother. All the evidence points to the probability that she is not an accurate reporter.
If you don’t respond, you will be blamed for not responding. However, anything you say may be interpreted as an invitation for a dialogue with her.
You should respond, “I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but this makes me very uncomfortable.”
People with mood or personality disorders sometimes misinterpret contact and context and create and inflate drama.
If she suffers from these disorders, there is a very good chance that no matter what you do, you will eventually be blamed and disliked.
Dear Amy: I agree with your advice to “Fed Up Mom” that she needs to stop treating her post-college daughter like a kindergartner. But before she takes all the Draconian steps you recommend, I would encourage her to make sure that her daughter is not depressed.
Twenty-five years after graduating from an Ivy League school in the middle of a recession, I realized that my late sleeping and lack of focus were not due to a lack of motivation, but depression about the fact that I graduated with a prestigious degree and had no idea what to do with myself.
Many years later, I have had two wonderful careers. But that transition was very difficult, and no one around me had been able to identify what I was experiencing. — Grateful Grad
Dear Grateful: I agree there is a possibility this couch potato is depressed; she should turn off the TV in order to find out.
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