Dear Margo: More than once I have noticed you voice your dislike for the phrase “I love you, but I am not in love with you.” Well, actually, you attack the phrase. Tell me, what does “in love” mean? I love my husband of 50 years, and my heart still skips a beat when I see him enter a room. But “in love”? No, I don’t know what that means. A crush? Infatuation? Tell me. — Somewhere in Massachusetts
Dear Some: It seems to me that any woman married 50 years whose heart still skips a beat when her husband enters a room is in love. You do raise an interesting linguistic point, though. I guess my distaste for that phrase in domestic situations comes from the frequency with which I hear it. Most often, people use it as a “delicate” way of announcing that they are on the way out — and the reason is usually something, or somebody, else.
I think to feel “in love” with someone may be the beginning of love — the active, high-pitched part. You could be right that a crush or an infatuation could be construed as the “in love” part. Although once beyond the initial red-hot phase of a romance that matures, anyone who expects to feel that way forever is either not psychologically astute or has seen too many B movies. Thanks for the chance to talk about this. — Margo, musingly
Ocd and other people
Dear Margo: I am a 26-year-old man with problems in social situations due to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is manageable except for really bad days, and I am discussing my issues with a psychiatrist. The condition was always present, but until I graduated college two years ago and started working, it was kept under control by contact with close friends. Now I live in a different state, and all my friends are far away, so I end up spending most of my free time alone. Meeting people is not easy. Dating has always been an issue, too. I’ve been celibate for five years. This past weekend, I visited my family, and the OCD was acting up. I need people to be careful of how they speak to me: Be attentive. Don’t baby me. Be assertive when you have to be, but it’s OK if you disagree with me; just respect my experience.
One problem is that I’m compelled to balance my lack of control over my environment with an internal resolution: I just walk away and sit by myself. This is more acceptable than bouts of anger. Recently, I met a woman I am interested in, and I plan to ask her out. But again, as with my family, I know that there are rules she needs to follow in order to get along with me. It is a struggle changing my behavior for the comfort of others, and doing so adds to my anxiety. I accept people for who they are, but the question on my mind is: Can they accept me? How do I let my family and any potential girlfriend know to take it easy on me without making them feel like they’re walking on eggshells? — Good Guy
Dear Good: Good luck explaining to a new woman friend that “there are rules she needs to follow.” Sadly, you are the one with the problem, so it must be you who strives to modify your behavior. What might be useful would be to try cognitive behavior therapy to figure out triggers for your anxiety and anger and learn alternative ways to react. I am assuming your psychiatrist has you on anti- anxiety meds. I would suggest that you ask your doc to suggest a CBT therapist. Difficult though it may be, the ball is in your court. — Margo, realistically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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