Dear Margo: I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as “monster-in-law,” tries to control everything. My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do. For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then. She is constantly trying to control everything, including the job my fiance has!
This is not OK with me. We have our own life with our own home, and I would like to live it that way. I’ve tried talking to her about invading our privacy, but forget that. She even resorted to calling our daughter a “mistake,” saying she was born out of sin because we were not married. We were both hurt by this. My guy has tried to talk to her, but then she won’t talk to us for weeks. She brags about her other grandchildren but not our daughter because she is ashamed that we weren’t married. I want our daughter to know her grandparents, but she doesn’t need to feel less loved. Suggestions? — Not Getting Through
Dear Not: Good grief, pardon the oxymoron. What a battleaxe you wound up with, and a Bible-toting one at that. The only bright spot in your letter was that when her son brought up her attitude and her meddling, the result was that she wouldn’t talk to you for weeks.
For one thing, the potty-training age she has set is late, by some people’s lights, and the sin thing is way off the mark. If you cannot get her to tone down her opinions and judgmental pronouncements, I would keep mentioning your privacy and enjoying weeks and weeks at a time with no communication. A granny who thinks the kid is a bastard is so 18th century. — Margo, reinforcingly
When a bargain should be broken
Dear Margo: I’ve been married for almost seven years. When we married, I was 25, and the deal was that we’d wait until I was 30 to have kids. I honestly thought I’d get used to the idea of settling down and having a kid (or two). I’m now almost 33 and know that I don’t want kids.
I just don’t think I was meant to have any, and I like my life the way it is now. I feel horribly guilty, not only because I agreed to have them when we got married, but also because my husband is a great person who doesn’t deserve to be hurt. I’m having a hard time thinking straight these days, because on some days, I feel like I need to confess and then give him the option of getting out of the marriage. On other days, I feel like I should just go ahead and have a kid and hope and pray that everything turns out OK. He says he thinks about having kids every single day. Ironically, this issue is exactly what led to the dissolution of both of my parents’ first marriages. I haven’t been able to talk about this with anybody, and it’s tearing me up. — Jennifer
Dear Jen: Interesting that family history is repeating itself. I would never encourage anyone to go ahead and have a child from a sense of obligation. It wouldn’t work out for you or the offspring. Parenting is tough enough without feeling you were lassoed into it. I would level with your husband. My hunch is that if he thinks about being a dad “every single day,” the two of you will agree to part. — Margo, rationally
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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