Dear Margo: I’m a 45-year-old professional woman who’s been with a really great guy for nine months. He broke up with his girlfriend of five years to be with me. He’s kind and thoughtful (takes my shoes off after a hard day, brings me coffee in bed in the morning, spoils my dog), sweet, loving and very sexual. He has his place, and I have mine.
We make plans to see each other two or three times a week, but he cancels or just doesn’t show up at least half the time. He makes no excuses, doesn’t apologize and gives no details. I honestly don’t think he’s cheating. We have spoken about this issue many times, yet I find myself sitting at home in my bathing suit: We’d made plans to go to the beach, but he went to an amusement park with his buddies.
I’ve never met his buddies, except for two, or been invited to any of his functions. He says a lot of his friends are in his ex-girlfriend’s circle and he wants to give it time before he brings someone in. I’m at the point where he makes plans with me and I expect them to be broken. I hate feeling this way. One last thing: He was in a very bad accident 10 years ago. He had a traumatic brain injury and says it affects his relationships and thought processes. What’s the big picture that I’m not seeing? — Down in the Dumps
Dear Down: He could be cheating, or he could be married. Breaking a lot of dates might have to do with “other obligations” (like being home). Or he may be a flake. I am also not crazy about his reluctance to introduce you around, using the ex as an excuse. If he’s moved on, why the delicacy regarding their friends?
Regarding his traumatic brain injury, I am not an M.D., but I have my doubts that routinely breaking dates is a symptom. If simply forgetting were the issue — and he cared — you and he could certainly work out a reminder system. He seems not to care. This setup would be unacceptable to me, but you will have to decide how much you are willing to put up with. — Margo, realistically
When ‘what are you wearing?” is not phone sex
Dear Margo: What do you make of grown women telling other grown women what to wear or not to wear to various events? These requests are not made to ensure the appropriateness of clothing to the occasion. This woman’s deal is about avoiding wearing clothes that are too similar or too different: “What are you wearing to the concert? I don’t want to wear jeans if you’re wearing a skirt.” “Don’t wear that white top to the party tonight because I’m planning on wearing a white top.” The overall feel is very junior high.
At 30-something, I’m way too old to be told what to wear or to freak out if I see “my” dress on another woman at the same event. My friend who makes all this fuss about clothes is otherwise a very pleasant person and a dear friend, so I don’t want to upset her. But I do resent having to think of an alternative to the white top. Am I being overly sensitive, or is my friend being overbearing? — Too Old To Have My Clothes Picked Out for Me
Dear Too: Your friend is an interesting combination of insecurity and bossiness. It is fine to ask a friend the appropriate dress for a particular occasion, but it isn’t OK to instruct other people not to wear the white top. I would offer an opinion, if asked, about the type of dress required, but I would ignore any “instructions.” You decide whether you want to inform her of the new world order or just put it into practice. — Margo, sartorially
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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