Dear Margo: Like many others, the recession has taken a toll on our family. My husband has been a functioning alcoholic for years, and despite my objections, he leapt at the opportunity for early retirement two years ago and now spends his days watching television, drinking and criticizing everything I do. Once he retired, he decided I would continue working and we would live off my income for the next 10 years to avoid tapping into the retirement fund.
Well, I lost my job a year ago and have not been able to find a new one. At the urging of former colleagues, I started a new business. It is finally starting to generate some revenue, but we are still dependent upon my husband’s retirement income. Consequently, he participates in every business decision and points out how everything I touch will fail. Please be aware that I have advanced degrees and have held positions as COO and CFO.
I am so depressed that I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I want nothing more than to leave him and live alone. I should have done this years ago, but instead relied on a heavy work schedule and limited vacations to minimize our time together. Now I feel like a prisoner. The one family member who has seen his dark side tells me I should suck it up because it’s hard to live alone at my age (I am in my early 50s). I just can’t bear any more criticism and “humor” at my expense. During a call with a potential client, I asked what more I could do to get his business. My husband piped up and said, “You could lose 50 pounds and have sex with the board of directors.” Yes, the client heard. I was beyond mortified. How can I live in this environment until I can become self-supporting again? — No Sense of Humor
Dear No: I expect some pushback with this advice, but I’m for doing what needs to be done. You’ve been “managing” with this marriage for a long time, and now you don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I believe you are entitled to half of his retirement income, and your business is generating revenue. I don’t sense any little kids in the picture, so if I were you, I would tell him the jig is up. Peace of mind is worth a lot — as I hope you will find out. — Margo, dissolvingly
When “Telling” Can Be Beneficial
Dear Margo: I’ve worked for a small firm for a couple of months. There are only six employees, including one manager, who I think has a problem. This woman lacks consistency and is continually refuting her own words. Worse, when any of us makes a “mistake” (e.g., follows an order she later denies), she screams profanities. Some co-workers think she has a mental illness; others think this is just how she plays her power game. Be it illness or power game, I decided to disengage. The pay is not worth the mess and stress, and I have better opportunities.
My question is: Do I let the boss know what is going on in our office? He drops by every few days, and when he is present, the manager seems perfectly rational and professional. I think the boss might want to know he’s hired a counterproductive manager, but family and friends say I should shut up, leave as planned and not give a word of truth in my exit interview. What do you think? — Ambivalent
Dear Am: I disagree with the advice you are getting. I would think it an act of kindness to give the boss information he apparently doesn’t have. I do not feel you owe this woman silence — or anyone, for that matter, who is bollixing up a work situation. There’s a chance that if the boss decides this woman must go, you would feel more comfortable with this job. And if you do choose to move on, you will have done him a huge favor. — Margo, productively
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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