Dear Margo: I am a 60-year-old single man who has, over the past few years, developed the much-dreaded ED (erectile dysfunction). Although my doctor says I’m in excellent health, medication and therapy have not helped. Despite that, I have no desire to forgo female company. My question is this: When should I break the bad news to a prospective lady friend? Saying so on the first date would be both bad manners and too much information. Waiting until things progress to the point where the woman wants more out of the relationship might cause hard feelings if the woman feels she has been led on. Since men are never good at subtleties of male/female diplomacy, I’m turning to you for guidance. — New York City
Dear New: My first instinct was to suggest you tell the woman right before she would find out for herself. But on second thought, I agree that waiting until then might cause hard feelings, no pun intended. I also think that your interest, your age, plus your medical report suggest that all is not lost. When you say “medication,” does that include any Viagra-like drugs? In any case, I would not give up trying to find a solution; I suspect one is possible. And should you actually have to make this announcement, I would be direct, say you are working on it, and find other things to do, if you follow me. (I will be interested if this answer makes it into newspapers!) Good luck. — Margo, realistically
With in-laws like these, who needs enemies?
Dear Margo: “Ralph” and I are in our late 20s and have been blissfully married for five years. I am now six months pregnant (high-risk). His parents are demanding and belittling toward us, as are his brother and fiancee. Though we send regular updates, his parents ignore all news of our expected baby. My husband stopped taking their calls, fearing I would miscarry from the stress of their abusive rants.
Though the hostesses asked if I wished to exclude my mother-in-law from my baby shower, I didn’t feel right about publicly shaming her. But when she texted Ralph that she has a lavish gift for “our angel,” I felt very uncomfortable about accepting a gift knowing that they withhold or use gifts to manipulate us. I’m not interested in teaching her a lesson; I just can’t handle the high emotional cost of accepting her gifts anymore.
I have decided to react enthusiastically to her present in front of the crowd and then return it to her discreetly later. She will be livid, but she already despises us all anyway. (I considered accepting it and then donating it to charity, but then we would still have to deal with the strings attached.) However, when I consulted etiquette books, nothing addressed how to refuse or handle gifts from hurtful people. Am I wrong to refuse a gift no matter how evil the intentions behind it? If so, how do I handle accepting her gifts? — Protective and Pregnant
Dear Pro: My dear, first of all, your in-laws sound odd. Well, OK, mean and maybe nuts. But given their behavior, you have different options — none of which include advising the witch, I mean m-i-l, about what you’ve done with the gift. (For myself, I’ve never had a problem keeping presents from people I’m not wild about. To me, they are just things.) If the gift would do nothing but remind you of her, however, then you are right not to keep it. Either return it for credit or donate it; she will not know of either action. Do not return the gift to her. That will just fire up her jets. You are kind, by the way, to try to keep your feelings about her to yourself. I respect your wanting to do the right thing and your plan for not embarrassing her, but ditching the present is about as respectful as you can be. PS: If you don’t acknowledge the strings, they’re not there! — Margo, adroitly
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY
