Dear Amy:We recently received an invitation to the confirmation service and celebration party of our neighbor’s daughter. They are a nice family and we get along well at a variety of neighborhood functions.We are not of the same faith (although we’ve never disclosed that to them), and we do not believe in any god or gods.
We know this is a special occasion for their family, but we are unsure if we should attend. It does not feel appropriate to us to attend their church service or give a religious gift.
Should we decline the invite or go? Is it inappropriate to not come with a religious card or gift?
We’re stumped and don’t want to be rude. — Polite Neighbor
Dear Neighbor: It is not a requirement that you share a religious belief in order to attend a religious ceremony.
When attending the ceremony, you will not be expected to participate in any rituals you are not comfortable with. You are literally a witness, hopefully an interested and respectful one.
You do not have to give this child a religious gift, though I think it’s a good idea to give a gift that has a special and hopeful message for this occasion, which is (literally) a rite of passage.
You could also ask the child’s parents for some directive by saying, “We’re not religious, so we could use some direction on what to expect.” They’ll be happy to fill you in.
You will choose on your own whether to attend, but you are being honored with an invitation to a milestone event in this child’s life and should respond with grace and gratitude.
Dear Amy: With the holidays fast approaching, I have a dilemma. How do we get across to our son and daughter-in-law that it’s not OK to just bring their two very large dogs whenever they come to visit?
My husband and I had a dog that died a number of years ago and we decided that we would not replace her for a number of reasons.
They came for a visit some time ago and simply showed up with both dogs.
I know that it’s inconvenient for them to make arrangements otherwise as they live several hours away, but we know they do this when they visit other people who have severe allergies.
They have a small child we would like to see more often, but we hesitate to invite them for fear we’ll have to “put up with the dogs.” — Tired Grandma
Dear Tired: I am astounded by how often I receive queries about people bringing pets on overnight stays.
You don’t say you’ve ever discussed this with the couple, and this is a logical first (and last) step.
Because you’ve allowed them to establish a precedent which you now wish to undo, you’re going to have to tell them, explicitly, what your needs are.
And so you say, “I know you are used to bringing the dogs when you visit, but we just can’t handle them in the house any longer.”
Dear Amy: “Upset Daughter” was struggling with her mother, who had dementia.
Both of my parents were diagnosed with memory impairment/dementia. Though I live across the country from them, I found a local Alzheimer’s caregivers support group that meets monthly.
I have found this to be a tremendous resource and it is helpful to talk to people who have been there before you. They can answer a lot of questions and give you good contacts for legal, medical and care-giving expertise. — Florida Daughter in DC
Dear Daughter: Caregivers need all the support they can get. Great suggestion.
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