This time of year, most people are soaking in the holiday traditions. They’re decorating trees, wrapping gifts, baking cookies, lighting menorahs and preparing for parties.
But while holiday lights and candles glow brightly, for many people life seems especially dim during the holiday season.
Jennifer Yarbro knows that well; she’s worked with people who are coping with the loss of a loved one, and understands this is a difficult time for them. She started at The Denver Hospice () eight years ago, and today works as a bereavement counselor. This time of year, she says, the services of hospice centers are even more essential than ever. She suggests contacting hospice centers to find out what programs are offered.
The holiday season is not a happy time for those who are in mourning. We asked her for advice for people struggling to cope during the holiday season.
Question: What do you say to people who are consumed by sorrow in a season that’s supposed to be about joy?
Answer: Expect that it’s going to be different this year. I emphasize that people should be gentle with themselves. It’s OK to decide not to do things as usual. It’s OK not to send 100 cards out. People will understand.
Q: What do you do with all the holiday invitations?
A: Think about “Plan A” and “Plan B.” Tell the host of the party, “I’ll try to come, but I may only stay for a short time.” And if you’re not up to making it, that’s fine.
Q: How do you include your loved one in your holiday celebration?
A: Build in small ways to remember that person. Have everyone who comes to a gathering write something about the person on a card and share a memory. After the meal, read the cards. Find a way to weave the person into the holiday, because he or she is still a part of everyone’s life.
Q: Is it important to keep the holiday traditions in place?
A: It’s different for different people. Trust what feels right. You’ll get a lot of advice from well-meaning people, but you have to go with what’s best for you. You can celebrate the holidays the way you used to, you can change a thing or two, or you can do something completely different. You can go to Florida for the week.
Q: If you have small children, how can you lift their spirits when your own spirits are low?
A: For kids, what’s comforting is to keep the routine when there’s a major life change. That said, it’s clear the grieving spouse often can only do so much.
Q: So what does a grief-stricken parent or guardian do?
A: Ask for support. It’s normal for the grief to be intense around the holidays, even if the loss was months or years ago. It’s normal to feel that grief again. At any point, if someone wants support, it’s out there.
Q: And if you’re the friend of someone who has suffered a loss, how can you extend that offer of help?
A: Don’t just say, “Let me know if I can help.” People are hesitant to ask you for it. They feel like it’s putting them in a position of asking for charity. Instead, offer something specific. Say, “Hey, I can help you wrap presents on Tuesday night,” or “Why don’t I take the kids to the zoo over the weekend, and let you have a little time.” And for the person who has lost a loved one, they need to realize that many times, allowing someone to be with you is a gift. A gift both for you and your friend. People whose hearts are broken bring an openness that helps us learn.
Q: What do we say to that heartbroken person?
A: First, acknowledge that this has happened. Suggest a walk, or a trip out for coffee. This time of year, it’s a good idea to say, “I realize that the holiday season might be difficult for you.” Include them in different activities, like parties or events, but don’t be upset if they refuse. If they back off, send them a card and continue to connect.
Q: Is it a good idea, if you’re in grief, to spend time contemplating your loss, or should you try to distract yourself with lots of activities?
A: Personal rituals are important. Take some time to be with the loved one alone. That may be going to a cemetery. It may be going through photo albums. It may even mean buying something for your loved one, or buying something for yourself you know your loved one would have purchased for you. It will help the person who is grieving connect with the spirit of the loved one. The people who are going through this process need to understand that the heart will break a thousand times. But then, they realize that they will get through it.
