Dear Amy: We have a rude and obnoxious in-law.
Fortunately his family lives in another city, and we see them only at family gatherings.
My siblings and I are pleasant toward him out of respect for the older generation.
Among ourselves, however, we let our feelings be known.
Recently at Granddad’s birthday party, I complimented this man about his children; they are both preschoolers and sweet, lovely children.
My teenage daughter told me that I’m a hypocrite for doing this.
Do you think I am? — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: The good news is that your daughter has been listening.
This is also the bad news, by the way, because what she has been hearing is some private carping about a family member.
In her mind, she sees you behaving one way toward this person when you are with him and another way when he isn’t present.
Teens have a highly developed awareness of hypocrisy; they also enjoy correcting their parents.
You should apologize to your daughter for exposing her to negative views about this family member.
You should also tell your daughter it is kind to compliment children who are sweet, regardless of your opinion of the parent.
Your remark could lead to a better relationship among all of you.
Dear Amy: I separated from my husband of only six months because of his actions during arguments (he screams in my face and pushes me; he has also punched a wall beside my head).
I feel that I made the right decision, even though we were not married that long.
My problem is with my mother. She has these old- fashioned beliefs. She told me it was my fault because I was not a good enough wife!
I finally have her support in my leaving my husband, but I have recently rekindled an old high-school friendship that is turning into more.
My mother has forbidden me from seeing him, telling me he is an alcoholic and not nice to women.
My mother is judging him by his actions in high school.
I am not sure how to broach this subject with her. I know she is a judgmental person, but I am getting to the point where I don’t want to be around her.
What do I do? — Distraught Daughter
Dear Daughter: Your romantic relationships should be your own business.
Leaving an abusive relationship was wise — but you should reflect on your choice and make sure you don’t fall into another unhealthy relationship.
The most important thing you can do to assure your future happiness is to figure out how to do things differently now.
Listen to your mother, thank her for her input and then nicely tell her that you will make your own choices.
Dear Amy: I cannot let “Old-Fashioned in Virginia” sit alone as she cries in the wilderness about her husband’s choice to attend a bachelor party!
Adults make good choices when they are held accountable. Virginia is to be commended on two accounts: 1) She is mature enough to express her concerns regarding indecent behavior; 2) she is courageous enough to hold another adult accountable for his behavior.
Rather than berate her as you did, why not encourage her to discuss with her husband the appropriate behavior (and venues) for celebrating an impending marriage? — Old-Fashioned in Illinois
Dear Illinois: “Old-Fashioned in Virginia” had discussed this with her husband and received assurances that he understood her point of view.
What she wanted to do was forbid him from attending his friend’s bachelor party. I counseled that there are times when it’s more important to trust than to forbid.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
