Dear Amy: Last month, I broke up with “Steve,” my boyfriend of almost two years.
I still care about him very much as a friend, but I am no longer interested in him romantically.
Steve has bipolar disorder, and he took our breakup very hard. As a result of the breakup, he fell far behind in his classes (he is in graduate school).
Lately, he seems to be coping better and we talk occasionally.
Last week, I began dating another man, “Jonathan,” who is a close friend of mine and an acquaintance of Steve’s.
I am worried that when Steve finds out that I am dating Jonathan, it will send him into another bipolar episode.
I would feel terrible hurting Steve again, but I am happy with Jonathan and we want to pursue a serious relationship.
Should I tell Steve I am dating? — Feeling Guilty
Dear Guilty: You are sensitive to the challenges of “Steve’s” illness, but you can’t be held hostage to it. Coping with his bipolar disorder is ultimately his responsibility.
You have been dating “Jonathan” for a week. You shouldn’t trumpet this romance until there is something real to announce. You should be discreet but not secretive.
Don’t avoid Steve. Answer his questions honestly, but don’t volunteer anything until there is something to report.
Your job is to handle this with integrity. Do your best to be a friend to your ex. Listen to him, be kind to him and trust that he will come to terms with your choices.
If you are worried about him, please contact his family to let them know.
Dear Amy: We recently hosted a party for a number of friends. We invited our friends’ teenage children — with the exception of one couple, whose daughter had been spreading vicious rumors at school about our daughter.
Because of this, our daughter asked us specifically not to invite her to our home.
Apparently when the couple realized their daughter was the only teenager not invited, they promptly left our house and we haven’t heard from them since.
Should we call and apologize and tell them the reason why their daughter didn’t receive an invitation? — Miffed in Denver
Dear Miffed: Excluding one person from a group invitation is very high-school.
Though I understand your daughter’s reasons for wanting to avoid her classmate, I’m surprised you chose to handle this the way you did.
You should have called these parents ahead of time to try to get to the bottom of what has been going on at school. Spreading rumors is bullying, toxic and can be contagious.
Acknowledge that you didn’t include their daughter and tell them that your two girls are having problems and you didn’t quite know what to do about it. Ask if they have any insight into this situation.
Dear Amy: “Almost Wife” said her longtime boyfriend didn’t want to include her children in their lives.
I’m a divorced father of two daughters in their 20s, I have a very strong relationship with my girls. My former girlfriend has two children — a son in college and a 16-year-old daughter. The son was warm, friendly and open. The daughter mightily resisted my inclusion in any activity.
In 18 months, I was invited to dinner exactly twice — because the daughter wasn’t comfortable. My girlfriend refused to be the parent and set the rules for her house.
I pointed out how marginalized and unimportant this made me feel. I realized things would never change, and I ended the relationship. — Think I’ll Stay Single
Dear Think: Parents should be sensitive to their kids’ needs, but shouldn’t let their children run the household.
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