NORTH POLE — I came up to give Santa a hand. I told him I know where the bodies are buried around college football and I’d deliver the gifts myself later tonight. How I’m going to fit this giant steer down Dan Beebe’s chimney, I’ll never know.
Santa, sitting next to a big pile of coal, had a long talk with me about who was naughty and nice this past year. I told him about Mike Bohn getting Colorado into the Pac-12 and Cecil Newton trying to sell his son’s services around the SEC. Santa listened for a long time, scratched his beard and asked me one question.
“Why did Colorado stop running the ball in the fourth quarter against Kansas?”
So, from the North Pole, here’s a sneak preview of who in college football gets what for Christmas. (By the way, this place looks remarkably like Nebraska in January.)
Jon Embree: The Book of Job. He will need plenty of patience for a team that could fight Washington State for the Pac-12 basement in 2011.
Steve Fairchild: Dan Hawkins’ phone number. Find out how he handled this season on the hot seat. Next year, do the exact opposite.
Troy Calhoun: Foreign language phrase books, all showing different ways to say “No.” Nyet. Nein. Nao. Nej. No. “No, I am not interested in the (fill in the blank) job.” His silence led everyone on.
Mike Bohn: A good California chardonnay high atop the Sir Francis Drake Hotel in San Francisco on Oct. 7. The next day Colorado plays Stanford in its first Pac-12 road game. Bohn can toast himself for getting the Buffs to the promised land.
Craig Thompson: European soccer regulations. The bottom three teams are relegated to a lower league and replaced by the top three of said league. So boot UNLV, New Mexico and Wyoming to the Big Sky and call up Montana State, Eastern Washington and Montana. You will immediately improve your conference.
Dan Beebe: An office entirely decorated in burnt orange, unless, of course, it already is.
Karl Benson: A baked potato and a lei. When Boise State and Hawaii finally leave, they will remind him of when his WAC busted a few BCS chops.
Cody Hawkins: A great GA job. Colorado’s quarterback handled his team’s collapse a lot better than his father did. His future also looks a lot brighter.
TCU: A plus-one playoff. Beating powerful Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl would make a swell headline, but it’d mean one more unbeaten season wasted in oblivion. A plus-one would put TCU in a title game.
University presidents: A clue. This is a plus-one. This is the mountain of money it will attract. This is what you can buy with money: tennis balls, soccer balls, volleyballs. But apparently it can’t buy common sense.
Cecil Newton: A home visit from God. How would the Almighty feel about a preacher praising him on Sundays and pimping out his own son the rest of the week? Hey, Cecil: Does your house have lightning insurance?
Bo Pelini: Decaf. His sideline tirades may keep the Nebraska coach from ever becoming an elite coach.
Kevin Anderson: 0-12 in 2011. The Maryland AD fired the ACC coach of the year after an 8-4 season, the second-biggest turnaround in the country, and coming within one victory of the ACC title game. I thought West Point taught Anderson perspective.
Joe Paterno: A lifetime contract. Penn State fans want him out because his team isn’t contending for national titles anymore. You have a coach who has stayed 45 years, has the all-time wins record, has five unbeaten seasons and is still going to bowl games. He deserves to chart his own exit.
Jake Locker: A great NFL combine. His awful senior year at Washington will make him example 1-A among agents of why great juniors should leave school early. That is not a good trend.
Mack Brown: A running back. For decades, this would be like giving Donald Trump a hotel. This year Bevo could get through the line faster than the players Texas lined up.
Terrelle Pryor: A very good agent. The NFL grills heavily about character issues. An agent could convince teams that playing memorabilia broker during his junior year at Ohio State won’t affect Pryor on the field. Good luck.
Urban Meyer: A deck chair on the beach. May the sun always be in your face and the wind at your back. May the fish be biting more than the SEC fans. Welcome back to your life, Coach.
