Dear Amy: Six months ago, I got drunk and woke up in bed with a man. My fiance was yelling at him.
It has been hard, but I quit drinking, got counseling and made it my purpose in life to be a better mother and partner.
I had been unhappy for years because my fiance never goes anywhere with me, and if we go out, we go separately because we don’t like to hire babysitters for our two kids.
Now, my fiance has come back from a work trip where he had a weeklong affair.
All the evidence was on display for me to find, but when I confronted him, he said it was just a mistake, not an affair.
I asked him to leave, but he refused. The police have said that he doesn’t have to leave if he doesn’t hit me.
His mistress has told me he is only staying with me for another couple of weeks. She says that he is crazy about her.
My fiance and I both fear commitment and divorce.
We sit in limbo, afraid to get married or to separate, although the last time we talked about it he said he does want to get married.
I don’t know what to do. — Sober but Confused
Dear Sober: Do you really think this mess boils down to your refusal to leave your children with a babysitter?
Honestly, the way you portray the atmosphere in your home, the kids might be better off with a sitter.
Now that you are sober, you should focus your energy on staying sober. Ask your counselor to help you explore your choices and their consequences, and ask your fiance to come into therapy with you.
Your primary commitment should be to do what’s best for your children. Living in the midst of this volatile and chaotic relationship is definitely not good for them.
Dear Amy: My husband and our two children spend time with his sister and her children.
One of her children inevitably hits one of our children at least a couple of times during each visit. Sometimes the parents will discipline him, but more often than not they let this behavior slide.
I have told my daughter that if this boy hits her she should tell an adult (namely, the boy’s parents), but time and again they do nothing about it. Sometimes they even try to suggest that my daughter is lying when she reports that she has been hit.
This boy has quite a few behavior issues and should not be playing unsupervised with the other children, but his parents don’t supervise him.
I don’t like to penalize my daughter by forcing her to remain under constant supervision for her own safety.
Is there ever a point where it is OK to tell her that if this child hits her that she can hit him back? I fear that this is the only way he will learn to stop hitting her. — Annoyed Mom
Dear Mom: You should never instruct your daughter to hit someone. I understand your logic, but if this boy can’t control his impulses, then your daughter retaliating could bring on nothing more productive than a backyard brawl.
You should instruct your daughter to tell this boy, “No hitting!” and to leave the area (and tell an adult) if he does.
Children usually have an instinct to stay away from a volatile child. You should encourage your daughter to listen to her own instincts in this regard and stay well away from this cousin.
Dear Amy: Your effort to persuade readers to give books to children for Christmas is laudable.
My parents gave books to us. Now my siblings and I give books to our children. I honestly feel that this is the most significant opportunity for learning and growth we have offered our kids. — Happy Reader
Dear Reader: I am delighted to say that my effort to put a “Book on Every Bed” has been a runaway success.
The response has been overwhelming and the testimonials, amazing. I’ll run some of these letters in future columns.
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
