States compete viciously for tourism dollars, so I started to worry about Colorado’s economic future when I read about a planned tourist attraction in Kentucky that will get some state tax breaks. It’s a theme park called “Ark Encounter,” which will feature, among other things, a replica of Noah’s Ark built to biblical specifications, complete with animals.
There are two Ark details I remember from Sunday school. One was that it was built of “gopher wood.” The other was that in one verse, Noah was supposed to load two of every kind of critter, but a few verses later, it said he was supposed to load seven pairs of the clean animals.
So the Kentucky Ark builders face a couple of challenges relating to materials and cargo. The state’s governor, Steven L. Beshear, doesn’t see a constitutional problem with the tax breaks — i.e., government support of a religious enterprise — because his main goal is providing jobs for Kentuckians.
How can Colorado compete? My first thought was that we should take the opposite tack, promoting Darwinist spectacles, but we already do that.
We’ve got Dinosaur and Florissant national monuments displaying fossils millions of years old. Down the road from me is Dinosaur Depot in Cañon City, with tours of nearby Garden Park, site of many fossil discoveries. We’ve got the Fossil Ridge Wilderness, and even an official state fossil, the stegosaurus.
Then again, Jefferson County won’t even put up a canopy to protect 100 million-year-old footprints from eroding away at Dinosaur Ridge. That’s because a canopy would disturb the view of the mountains, which would violate the county’s Front Range Mountain Backdrop policy.
All told, though, we do pretty well in the “Attractions for Evolutionists” department. So to lure folks who might otherwise spend money in Kentucky, we’ll need to fabricate some biblical attractions that the Bluegrass State might have missed:
Garden of Eden. While there are people who extol Colorado as a terrestrial paradise, most of us are not realty agents touting 35-acre lots. Our Eden would be simple. As Genesis recounts, after Adam and Eve were expelled, “a flaming sword” kept them from returning. So just wall off a few acres, pipe in natural gas to burn at the sealed gate, and tell tourists that’s as close as they can get.
Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, there might be some moral qualms, but we’re talking big-time tourism here. Let’s face it, Las Vegas is a much bigger attraction than any dozen biblical parks. So why not build replicas of these ancient wicked cities, populate them with vice-loving volunteers, and charge admission?
And if fire and brimstone should strike, wouldn’t the ruins also draw tourists?
Solomon’s Harem. Sure it’s sexist, but still, a gilded palace with 700 wives and 300 concubines, all attired alluringly to attract royal attention, should draw plenty of free-spending visitors.
Balaam’s Talking Burro. Balaam, a seer in Ammon, got summoned to Moab to curse the invading Israelites. He demurred at first, but was finally persuaded. On the way, his jenny halted. He thrice whaled on the balky beast. Then the donkey spoke: “What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?”
I’ve seen some well-trained donkeys, but none that speaks beyond the usual braying. Still, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a talking ass for this attraction — I’ll nominate my congressman, but if he’s not available, there must be others just as worthy.
Ed Quillen (ekquillen@gmail.com) of Salida is a regular contributor to The Denver Post.
