Dear Amy: My son is going through an acrimonious divorce.
My husband and I have bent over backward to be supportive to our son. There are two small grandsons involved. I am very concerned about our losing access to the grandsons.
We do not have experience with divorce and are nice Catholic people, which does not help in this situation.
Can you suggest a book to assist some totally clueless grandparents?— Susan
Dear Susan: Being “nice Catholic people” qualifies you well to deal with this challenging situation, despite your lack of experience with divorce. This challenge calls upon all of you to demonstrate your family values under extreme duress.
You and your husband should support your son in his efforts to be an involved and loving parent to his children. Your involvement in their lives may make it possible for him to pursue joint custody and maintain his work schedule, for instance.
Both parents should give you ample access to the children — because this is in the kids’ best interests — but unfortunately, an angry parent will sometimes limit or cut off access to the grandchildren. You will see your grandkids during times when they are with your son. You should be the stable and steady rock of their childhoods.
There will be times when you will be frustrated or upset, but you should never badmouth or criticize their mother, and you should work hard to be tolerant, loving, respectful — and all about the kids, not the drama swirling about them.
For inspiration, read “The Essential Grandparent’s Guide to Divorce: Making a Difference in the Family,” by Lillian Carson (1999, Health Communications).
Dear Amy: My ex-husband’s wife passed away two weeks ago. My ex-husband and I have four children together. We’ve been divorced for about 28 years, and we both had very good marriages after our marriage. I planned to attend the funeral to show support for my ex-husband and our children.
My son called yesterday to request that I not attend. I asked if his father had requested that I not attend and he said, “No, he did not.” My son stated that he just didn’t know how his father would take to me being there.
My heart sincerely aches for my ex-husband. His wife was known to be a bit outspoken and hurtful but nonetheless, she was the stepmother of our children, and I give her credit for that. We had an amicable relationship and on occasion met for coffee to chat.
I am very angry with my son for stepping in with his opinion, with no definite reasoning. No other family members have expressed any problem with me attending the services.
I believe I will not be missed by anyone, but I will miss having the opportunity to show my support. — Very Frustrated in California
Dear Frustrated: You should make your decision based on your knowledge and relationship with your ex-husband, not based on other assessments of how he might react.
If in your heart you believe he would welcome your presence on this difficult day, then you should attend. However, this funeral is not about you; it is about your ex, his late wife and her other family members.
You can show your support to your ex and your children in ways other than by attending the funeral.
Dear Amy: “Perplexed” was concerned because her husband secretly filmed them having sex. Your prudish attitude toward this is very revealing — pun intended. I say if this husband finds this exciting, then his wife should be willing.— Happy Husband
Dear Happy: My prudish attitude is immaterial (though I freely cop to it). The important issue here was one of consent — and the wife had been clear that she did not consent.
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