Dear Margo: I need an objective opinion about a situation that has developed between my daughter (25) and my mother (75). At Thanksgiving, my parents thoughtfully gave both of my daughters a gift of money that “is yours to do with as you wish.” However, my mother suggested that “Annabelle” spend some of this money on therapy. This was a huge insult to Annabelle, and I don’t blame her for being insulted. Most every person on the planet could benefit from therapy, but to suggest that gift money be used for that purpose is very insensitive.
My mother is a social worker. She works in a mental health facility and loves to diagnose people she knows and those she does not. (“Oh, she’s a borderline.”) I am getting tired of this. My daughter is also fed up and has asked that my mother not contact her. My mother, however, persists in writing her letters and sending her e-mails every few months, and even calling. I have told them both that it’s between them and I don’t want to be in the middle.
Last night, my daughter called to complain that my mother again called her and harangued her and belittled her busy schedule — she attends graduate school and works almost full time. Should I again let my mother know how hurtful her behavior is and ask her to please leave Annabelle alone? (I have done this once already.) Or should I just keep silent? — Squeezed by Relatives
Dear Squeeze: I would do a modified version of letting your mother know that she is out of line. And I would do it in writing. Once. I am a great fan of written thoughts, especially on touchy subjects. The recipient can read it more than once, she cannot interrupt you, and arguing with a letter is not really possible. I would tell your mother that if she continues being the Welcome Wagon for Therapy, she and Annabelle will likely wind up with no relationship at all. After that, trust your daughter to handle her grandmother herself. It is too bad that your mother’s profession has convinced her that everyone is nuts. — Margo, tactically
Don’t punish the wrong people
Dear Margo: I recently met distant relatives from my mother’s side of the family. I traveled to Mexico to meet them, and it went very well until my mother’s arrival. I have a cousin who is intelligent, goes to college and will study to become a veterinarian. He is also addicted to marijuana. My aunt and uncle cannot control him. I went with his family on a trip to Cancun, and half of the time, he was intoxicated with the plant and alcohol. Upon my arrival in Mexico, other family members warned me about his habits. He told me about his activities himself, and I told him not to do anything related to his drug abuse in front of my mother. I also told him to quit.
The day my mom arrived, my cousin decided to take out one of his dried marijuana plants and show it to her. They got in a big argument, with yelling and profanities. My mother was upset and hurt. I don’t know what his motive was. Now my mother doesn’t want to talk to my uncle (her brother) because he allows such things to happen in his home. I don’t want my family to stop contact. My mother was great friends with her sister-in-law, and now they don’t even want to speak. What should I do? — Liv from Texas
Dear Liv: You do not particularly fit into this equation, though I understand your angst, and I’m not sure why your cousin went out of his way to let your mother in on his affinity for pot. People with substance abuse problems cannot get clean until they choose to. Don’t ask me how I know this. Apparently, your aunt and uncle have made the choice to let their son continue to live at home. All you can do is point out to your mother that the young man’s behavior should not damage the friendship with her sister-in-law, and that, in fact, she should try to imagine this woman’s unhappiness with her son’s situation. I think your mother’s mistake is in imagining that your aunt and uncle can “control” the situation. — Margo, realistically
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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