Bookstores are filled with self-help guides for people who need help coping with grief. Some of the best advice those books offer is to let loved ones help you cope.
But where does that leave the friends, family and even acquaintances who would like to reach out, but don’t quite know what to do or what to say?
Allidah Poole Hicks and Bonnie Knuti have the answers. The two friends joined up to write “When Crisis Strikes . . . What to Do, What to Say, How to Help” (Good Neighbors Publishing, $27.95, available at Boulder Bookstore, on or at ).
The two are qualified to offer advice: Hicks, who lives in Wheat Ridge, is the manager of staff education for the department of nursing at National Jewish Health. She’s seen the benefits of walking alongside someone who is in pain, and letting them know they are not alone. Knuti, who lives in Golden, supported her teenage son for years as he battled cancer. During his illness, and after he lost the fight, she was grateful to those who reached out to her.
Knuti, 61, offers advice on how to help those who are suffering.
Q:Why did you two decide this book needed to be written?
A: When Allidah came to me about it, I realized through experience that a lot of people really don’t know what to say. We did a lot of interviewing, pulled from our own experiences and realized we could offer some really good advice.
Q: What’s the very first thing you can do when you get the call that someone close to you has been rushed to the hospital?
A: If they’re at the ER, get down there with a backpack full of snacks and drinks. Assess the situation to see if someone is there to plan the important things. If there is a death, a memorial service needs to be planned. If this is unexpected, and the family has rushed out, are there pets to be taken care of? If they have children, think of them first. The children are often forgotten. Maybe offer to take them to your home for a time. Offer to start calling family members and friends.
Q:What are some of the things a family dealing with a horrible situation might need help with?
A: Whether they’re dealing with a serious illness or death, the first thing to do is ask them what they need. Maybe they want a couple of meals a week. Perhaps they want someone to take care of their home and pets. But don’t make assumptions. Make suggestions, but leave it up to them to tell you what they need.
Q: You want to help, but you work long hours and have your own family to tend to. How can you best help?
A: Organize a help group. Get a calendar, or get one online that everyone can see and assign people weeks or days with tasks. Just be sure you have control of that calendar. Our book has forms in the back so you can make notes for the next volunteer who comes.
Q: What are some of the things you should not say or write in cards to those in grief?
A: It’s not really wrong, but I found that the 15th time I read “my thoughts and prayers are with you,” the words lost impact. Try to avoid trite cliches. It’s better to give a memory, or a point of compassion. Offer to help. Write that John was a great person. And don’t say, “I know just how you feel.” After my son died, I wouldn’t even presume how my husband and daughter were feeling, and we’re a very loving family.
Q:Can you discuss some of the positive ways people helped you when you were grieving?
A: We were in the ICU a lot, and we were with Peter 2 4/7. It’s difficult to find a place to crash. A friend brought down pillows and blanket. Someone else brought dinner a couple of times. It’s nice to not have to deal with vending machines. You’re stuck with them, because you don’t want to go too far, but it’s nice to have real food when you’re hungry.
Q:What if people who are battling cancer or another disease don’t want visitors or the phone ringing constantly? Can you help with that if you’re a good friend?
A: A friend of mine maintained a hotline. You can do that online these days. We’d update the person, and she’d call everyone. The one thing I’d advise is before you send those e-mails or make those calls, clear all the details with the family first. Sometimes, they want some things to remain confidential. We must help them without hurting them.
Q:One of the most common things people tend to do to help out is bring food to families. Any advice?
A: First, check ahead for food allergies and preferences. I’m a vegetarian, so if someone brought me a pot roast I wouldn’t eat it. Someone might be allergic to peanuts, or to milk. Next, be sure everything you bring is clean and sanitary. If you feel like you’re getting a cold, they sure don’t need that cold. To make things easiest on the family, put food in disposable dishes.
Q:What’s the worst thing you can say or do to someone who is grieving?
A: Avoid them. That’s by far the worst thing. It’s common nature to freeze when you’ve heard about someone’s tragedy and have to face them. People are uncomfortable for so many reasons. My advice would be to simply approach the person and say, “I’m so, so sorry.”
