Dear Amy:I am a newlywed of sorts. I am 51, and my husband is 63. We’ve been married a little over a year, and there is no physical intimacy.He’s talked to his doctor (briefly), and his testosterone is normal.
But his favorite thing to do is sit on the couch after dinner and watch TV until 2 a.m. Then he comes to bed.
On the rare occasions when he’s in bed before 10, he’s reading with the TV on.
When I ask to kiss or snuggle, he exhales deeply with such an annoyed look — while at the same time slamming his book on his lap.
It’s as if I’ve asked him to go out and buy me a cookie at a grocery store 20 miles away.
I am starving for physical intimacy.
We’ve started seeing a counselor, but nothing seems to be working. — Lonely Wife
Dear Lonely: Your counselor should suggest ways for you to compromise on how you spend your time. Sharing hobbies and experiences outside of (and at) home will help draw you closer. And if you aren’t physically active, you and your husband would both benefit from regular exercise — individually and together.
Getting the television out of your bedroom will also help.
This is assuming that your husband really wants to be in this marriage with you.
You should not have to ask him to kiss or cuddle. Affection is not a favor to be bestowed, and testosterone should not affect your husband’s desire to express warmth and affection — unless he is afraid that it will lead to a sexual encounter he is not willing (or able) to have.
Talking paves the way toward intimacy. Use your sessions with your counselor to learn new ways to talk — and listen — to each other.
Dear Amy: I’m a teacher at a school and have five work friends with whom I like to do things.
One of these friends, however, is driving me insane. She’s a conversation hijacker who will take over any conversation with tales of herself.
These stories are generally laments about the school, her health and her work partner.
It’s awful, negative and makes me not want to gather with the other four ladies, whom I like.
I’ve virtually stopped going to lunch so as to avoid going crazy.
How can I get her to stop without totally offending her? — Taxed Teacher
Dear Taxed: You can convey your reaction tactfully and truthfully, and your colleague can either take your statement in the spirit it’s offered — or add it to her list of lamentations.
So you can say, “You know how they say enthusiasm is infectious? Well, so is negativity. We don’t have much time for lunch, and when we go out you spend a lot of time on your own stuff when I really want to visit with everyone.”
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Disgusted,” who was “distracted and annoyed” by her boss’s constant loud chewing.
You seem to run these types of queries a lot (i.e. someone being bothered by the noise of others and how they just can’t take it anymore), and yet you have never once just told someone to suck it up.
Amy, I work in Lower Manhattan.
Eight million of my closest neighbors, friends and family will tell you that the best way to deal with noise is to get used to it!
In fact, the residents of NYC have become so accustomed to noise that when something falls silent, they turn to one another and say, “What was that?”
If you are easily distracted by noise, find a way to surround yourself with more of it.
Opening a window to hear traffic and/or sirens, or taking your lunch close to the sound of a construction site will acclimate you to noise — and although it’s counterintuitive — you will find much more inner peace this way. — Siren? What Siren?
Dear Siren: I am reminded of how noisy newsrooms used to be. Now they are so quiet that any noise at all is very distracting.
Thank you for the tips on how to “fuggeddaboudit.”
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
