Dear Margo: I think the word “judgmental” is one that is often thrown around and misused. Many people see me as an opinionated and honest person. When someone asks my opinion, I give it to them. My problem is, I’ve lost a lot of friendships because I am accused of being judgmental.
I don’t treat my friends differently if they make a mistake or choose to do something that I wouldn’t do. When a friend approaches me with an “issue,” I give my honest opinion, and I don’t just say what I think the person wants to hear. That’s not always easy for people. Correspondingly, I appreciate the opinions of my friends and never regard them as “judgmental.” In my opinion (pun intended), I think that’s why you have friends — so they can tell you their thoughts. So why do people so often feel that offering an opinion is being judgmental? — Not Judging in Florida
Dear Not: I, too, think the word “judgmental” gets a bad rap — probably because I am considered judgmental, like you. My feeling is that everybody makes judgments — all the time and about everything. They just keep them to themselves. The only times I have been told I was judgmental, however, were when I volunteered my “judgment,” or as I prefer to call it, “narrating.” When asked, however, I can’t see how, short of insulting someone, you are losing friends by offering your view.
Perhaps gentle down your opinions when giving them, so the questioner doesn’t feel he or she needs to defensively tell you that you are being judgmental. And you might consider saying, the next time you hear how judgmental you are from someone who asked what you thought, “Didn’t you just ask for my opinion?” — Margo, logically
When Your Mind Is a Messy Desk
Dear Margo: I am a 20-something full-time student, part-time employee and full-time single mother. The past few years have been quite difficult: a nasty divorce, a custody battle and being diagnosed with cancer. I try to lead a normal life and provide what I can for my child. My goal is to finish college and get a degree to achieve a good career and lifestyle for my son and myself. My issue is that I have no motivation.
By the time I’m done with school, work and playing with my son, I have no energy for anything else. My house is in constant disarray — clean clothes stay piled on a chair for weeks, papers get thrown on the kitchen table, dishes sit in the sink, and sometimes there is unfinished homework. Living in this chaos irks me to say the least, but it takes all of my will power to get up and do the dishes. I feel horrible because I worry about the effect my messy lifestyle might have on my son. I need some help but don’t know where to turn. Suggestions? — Organizationally Challenged
Dear Org: I would not say you lack motivation. I would say, rather, you are on overload, stretched thin and dog-tired. You really are doing the work of three people, what with school, work and mothering. And you are doing it alone. I agree that organization would lighten your load — in that you wouldn’t feel bad about the way you’re doing things, and daily life would go more smoothly.
Many of my readers swear by the site . And I, like you, finding myself among the overwhelmed and the busy, have recently tried something I find effective. Set a timer for 25 minutes. (I would’ve thought 30 minutes or an hour, but this approach specifies 25 minutes.) This allows you to make progress in chunks. When the timer goes off, even if you need to return to what you’re doing, walk around or dig into another chore. You may not be able to get everything working like a Swiss watch, but I feel certain you will feel better with a more structured framework. Good luck. — Margo, efficiently
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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