Dear Carolyn: Seventeen years ago, I divorced the mother of my four children. After a heated divorce lasting several months, we agreed on things and split up legally. Throughout the proceedings, my wife used my children as weapons against me, and I spent the next several years listening to insults from my children, driven from their mother. I was no perfect angel, but I never deserved what I got from them.
My work had me out of state for the past seven years. During that time, I had little to no contact with my children. I came back home in December of 2010 and quickly tried to rebuild my relationship. I lent them money, I bent over backward to spend time with them, nothing.
This past weekend I visited my 28-year-old’s Facebook page to discover she has now declared her stepdad “Navy Dad for life.” She bought him the T-shirt, took the picture and posted it.
Needless to say I was devastated. My plans to visit her were canceled as a result. She sent me text messages telling me I had no reason to be upset. The next day, my ex sends me a text telling me that she in fact bought the T-shirt for her husband and to lighten up on our daughter.
First of all, what business does my ex have buying that T-shirt? Second, how do they justify hurting me without taking any responsibility for their actions?
My daughter deploys next month and I don’t want her to leave under these conditions, but I will NOT stand for the disrespect from her. All four of my children are not speaking to me over this. — F.
Dear F.: You’ve been in parental purgatory for 17 years, and you’re planting your flag on a lousy T-shirt.
And now that I’ve said that, are you going to blame me, too, for your tattered bond with your kids?
I can’t know what happened in those crucial months before, during and after your divorce, but I have no problem believing that one parent would try to poison the kids against the other.
But blaming your ex-wife for your overreaction to the T-shirt, and the resulting re-estrangement from your kids, is so far over the line you’re off the field.
It is an unfortunate fact chain that rejection leads to hurt feelings, which often lead to reflexive acting-out, which usually leads to further rejection. You’re living this chain with your unhealed wounds from 17 years ago resulting in over-sensitivity to perceived slights.
And who provided a paternal presence throughout? Their stepfather, apparently; if true, then he has earned your kids’ high regard.
That doesn’t mean there’s no place for you. What you want is some sort of warm, functional interaction with your kids and there’s enough room for that.
Behave in a way your kids can actually understand, relate to, embrace. Be kind to them, be patient, be reasonable to the point of pessimism in your expectations, be forgiving to a fault.
Be the first to accept blame instead of the first to lob it.
Be the father they’ve accused you of failing to be.
Step forward, now, and tell your daughter you take responsibility for overreacting to the shirt. Un-cancel the visit. Let her know you’ve been reminded that you have healing and learning to do.
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at .
