Tomorrow marks the 235th anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, which will be duly celebrated with picnics and parades, as well as fireworks, some of them legal.
July 4 celebrations used to involve a public reading of the Declaration, but that seems to have gone out of style. That’s probably just as well, because now there appears to be some dispute about what the Founding Fathers were really saying back then.
Fortunately, an anonymous source has slipped me a modern corrected version, based on the latest textual research from the Bachmann-Palin Institute of Revolutionary Studies at the Tea Party Foundation, based in Lexington, N.H.
At first glance, the corrected Declaration looks much like the traditional one. It starts with the same “When in the Course of human events” and concludes with “our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor,” followed by the signatories.
However, among the signatures present in the corrected Declaration is that of John Quincy Adams, son of another signer, John Adams of Massachusetts. Quincy was apparently a precocious child, since he was only 8 years old at the time, but the institute has determined that he was old enough to be a Founding Father.
Most of the Declaration is a list of charges against the British crown, like “He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the Consent of our legislatures,” and “He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.”
That is also true of the Bachmann-Palin text, and so it requires some close reading to find the added complaints.
“He has endeavored to deprive us of our right to perish from diverse Maladies which nature’s God has chosen to inflict upon the poor and the powerless.”
“He has failed to protect us from the marriage of Sodomites, whose abominable example may discourage the citizenry from procreation.”
“In the name of pretended fairness, he has not totally repealed the job-killing income taxes levied upon the job-creating citizens of ample means, and yet they are the ones most deserving of tax relief.”
“He has allowed to live in our midst and to practice their pagan Rituals such infidels as Musselmen and Humanists, often against the wishes of the community and to the possibility of the corruption of innocent Children.”
“He has allowed the cultivation and sale of Hemp with the consent of voters in certain provinces, even though it is an evil Plant with roots in Hell which must be eradicated in the hame of human Happiness.”
“He has not facilitated the drilling for Petroleum to occur in all conceivable locations, despite the fervent entreaties by citizens to ‘Drill, Baby, Drill.’ “
“He has allowed the teaching of heresies which contradict the eternal truth of Intelligent Design.”
“He has persisted in subsidizing idleness and sloth with Food Stamps, Medicaid, Unemployment Insurance and sundry other diversions of public funds better devoted to the national Defense, if indeed such funds must be collected from the hard-working joint-stock corporations.”
“At every turn, he has supported the enforcement of draconian copyright laws, thereby preventing patriotic candidates for public office from using the Musick of their choice at their gatherings.”
There may be more newly discovered material in the Bachmann-Palin version, but my eyes were starting to glaze over. I do have it on good authority that if you doubt any of this and go to check, some right-thinking patriots will have already made the appropriate changes to Wikipedia.
Freelance columnist Ed Quillen (ekquillen@gmail.com) of Salida is a regular contributor to The Denver Post.
