Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 30 years. Several months ago he turned 60, which was very traumatic for him.
Today, after an argument he started with me the night before, he called me from work to say he would be leaving me. He said that he can’t stand to be around our two grown sons or me and that he’s felt this way for “a while.”
He refused to tell me why this is happening and insisted that I stop asking him. I pointed out that this sounds like a midlife crisis, but he said flatly that he didn’t care. I don’t believe another woman is involved. My heart is breaking. I believed we would be together “till death do us part.”
I am in my early 50s but feel as if my future has simply disappeared with his announcement. — At a Loss
Dear Loss: Your future hasn’t disappeared; you just can’t see it right now because it has abruptly turned the corner.
All of your assumptions about what your life would be like have shifted, and now you must shift too.
The dissolution of a marriage has become so common that people don’t seem to realize how traumatic it can be. But it’s awful. It is uniquely awful, as you point out.
Recovery happens in fits and starts, and it takes time.
Your husband sounds depressed, and if he is, he should get help. He will not supply you with answers until he is ready, and he might not be ready for a long time.
Surround yourself with people who will support you emotionally. Seek the counsel of people who have survived the breakup of a marriage. It will help for you to realize that much of what you’re thinking and feeling is normal. In this way, you are not unique.
A book you might find helpful is “Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition” by Bruce Fisher (2005, Impact Publishers).
Dear Amy: My husband and I are grandparents of two lovely teenage girls who unfortunately live hundreds of miles away.
When we visit, it bothers us to see them continuously holding their cellphones, texting friends and looking for replies. There seem to be no boundaries placed on this activity by our daughter and son-in-law.
Our daughter is quite sensitive and would take any comments/requests as criticism from us. Our relationship with her means more than anything, so we hold our tongues and squirm!
What do you advise?
— Worried Gram
Dear Gram: Don’t worry about your granddaughters’ friendships. Trust me — they are all texting their thumbs off, and their friendships are probably just fine.
It’s you I’m worried about. You don’t seem able to point out a very obvious issue that bothers you without fear that your daughter will take it personally.
This isn’t about her. This is about her daughters. And I suggest that you hitch up your Grammy pants and let the girls know, nicely and with humor, that when you’re with them you’d like to be with them.
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