Dear Amy: I have had a close friend for the last few years and we have done a lot of things together. In fact, I have spent more time with this particular friend than with anyone else. In addition to our friendship, we were running and workout partners.
Several months ago he met a girl. I am happy for him. The problem is that she is very controlling and manipulative.
In the past month my friend has quit running with me. He says he needs a break and he seldom works out with me now. He says that we are still friends and always will be. The problem is that I feel slighted. I feel like this friend is distancing himself from me.
To make matters more difficult, I am his supervisor.
I feel like ending the friendship and severing all ties with him — including our working relationship — because there is no way for us to avoid each other at work because we work directly with each other.
This has taken a toll on me. Any advice? — Troubled Friend
Dear Troubled: Your friend seems to have a weakness for manipulative and controlling people, because you are quite obviously attempting to manipulate and control him.
You cannot change your friend and you cannot make him break up with his girlfriend, regardless of her suitability.
You are not being fair, and if you fire or demote your friend because of this, he will have legal recourse against you and your company.
I suggest you seek psychological help to work through what seems to be a very unhealthy, toxic and obsessive cycle. In the meantime, back off and give this person plenty of space.
Dear Amy: My lover is a close friend and has been in a sexless marriage for almost 20 years. After 10 years she told her husband she couldn’t be celibate any longer, although she views him as her “true love.”
She is not sneaking around. He calls my phone knowing she’s at my place. She doesn’t lie about what we do.
Being intimate isn’t all there is to our relationship; mostly we enjoy spending time together. If we weren’t with each other we’d find others to be intimate with.
Her husband likes having time alone, and the three of us spend time together. Her husband and I like each other.
Now her family is saying that our relationship has to end, and if it doesn’t she’ll be kicked out of the family. She has told them that she won’t leave either of us, but I am feeling guilty about her losing contact with her family — not to mention losing a decent inheritance.
Is it fair for her family to do this? If the three of us are happy with how things are, then why does it matter to others? — Wondering
Dear Wondering: Your mutual behavior falls into the category of a choice among “consenting adults.”
However, your lover’s family also has choices. They can try to control her through disapproval and by dangling an inheritance over her head.
She is declaring that she is willing to sever her family ties to continue this lifestyle, and so I can only hope that you and her husband will hang in there — because as of now it seems you’re the only “family” she’s got.
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