Dear Amy: I have four adult children, two
of whom used to adore each other but now have had a definite parting of the ways.
One of the children has said really hurtful things to other family members and even after the issue passes there is not one word of apology. Nor have we, as parents, asked for apologies — even when the vitriol is pointed at us.
We have just gone on and put it out of our minds, but it is definitely not forgotten.
They all function well in society, are college graduates, and earn good livings.
What are the parents of adult children supposed to do in these circumstances?
What are our responsibilities, if any, to keep their behavior “between the lines” ? — Older But Not Wiser
Dear Older: When your children become adults, your primary responsibility reverts to checking, monitoring and adjusting your own behavior — not theirs.
Upon reflection, you may see how your behavior has influenced your children. You may see, for instance, how your gargantuan ability to absorb but not react to vitriol condones — an abusive dynamic.
You may also notice that waiting for “issues to pass” sometimes means that the issue never really passes. It merely lies dormant.
You should not tell these adults how to behave out in the world. You should encourage them to work things out without over-functioning for them.
On your own behalf you say, “I’ve had it with your behavior toward me. You are my child, and I love you. If you want to talk things out and work things out, I’d really like to do that. But I simply won’t put up with being treated badly.”
There might be more to this dynamic that you haven’t contemplated (or are ignoring).
If this adult has emotional wounds left over from childhood, you should welcome these discussions — as long as they remain civil.
Dear Amy: This is dumb, but I seem to have found myself wanting my horrid ex-boyfriend back. I thought I loved him, but in reality I was just obsessed with him.
There was no “me” time. It was like I didn’t even exist. I don’t know why or how it happened, except it was my first sexual relationship.
Now I am dating a great guy; he’s kind of an idiot but great,.
My ex is a complete jerk. Unfortunately, I still want to date him and be with him.
I know we’re not good for each other, but I also know that my current boyfriend and I aren’t any better. I know I’m just using him to stop loving my first love.
What do I do? — Help
Dear Help: Has it occurred to you to be alone for a while?
Think about it: no Jerk No. 1 or Idiot No. 2 — just you and and the Lifetime channel.
You cannot use one person to get over another person. Idiots and jerks do not cancel each other out. Idiots and jerks accumulate.
You need to change not only the company you keep, but your ability to keep your own company. Be alone. Figure out what you need to do differently. And then do it.
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