Dear Amy: I am a devoted daily reader of your column and especially appreciate your directing people to resources for help and information.
My family needs help talking with young children (ages 7 and 11) involved in a divorce.
The older one, in particular, refuses to engage in a discussion about the changes happening or what the future holds. He just closes his eyes and is silent.
But he is becoming more prone to sudden, angry outbursts. Counseling did not help; he just “shut off” the counselor.
The younger child seems unfazed by the family changes but, again, there is no discussion.
— Joanne
Dear Joanne: The most important factor during this time of transition is how the parents interact. You should provide a peaceful environment with as few changes to the daily routine as possible.
My own instinct is not to push to have conversations with either child when you want to have them, but to be open to conversations when they seem to pop up out of nowhere — in the car, for instance — or just before bedtime.
Eleven-year-old boys are masters of subterfuge. They can’t always express their emotions, and so they flail about, angry at a world they cannot control. The older child’s outbursts are appropriate in a way.
After an outburst, stay calm. Encourage him to identify and articulate his feelings in an appropriate way. Ask open-ended questions. How does he feel just before an outburst? Can he describe the physical sensations he feels when he’s getting angry?
He is also anxious. Reassure him that both parents will continue to be in his corner, always. Acknowledge that this is a tough time for everyone but that you’ll get through it together.
A useful book is “Helping Your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way,” by M. Gary Neuman and Patricia Romanowski (Random House).
Books for the boy would be any in the Harry Potter or Percy Jackson series. He needs to know that every child has the potential to be a hero, despite what scary situations the world might throw his way.
Dear Amy: I am curious as to how your readers in their 30s, 40s and 50s feel about paying their parents back when they have borrowed money from them.
Many of my friends have lent their children money that is never paid back.
My generation would never do such a thing, and I’m wondering where we’ve all gone wrong, and how these children justify their actions. — A Confused Senior
Dear Confused: Family members have taken money from one another since time immemorial.
The difference now is the expectation that parents must provide money, along with the parents’ willing participation in the financial messes of their adult children.
If parents choose to lend money to their adult children, they should keep the amount small and set up a precise repayment plan.
I never went to my parents for money, but I do remember my mother offering to introduce me to the loan officer at our local bank. Message received.
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