Dear Amy: Three years ago I found out my husband had been unfaithful many times during our eight-year marriage. We have three young children, and I have done everything in my power to save our relationship and spare them divorce.
Our life became ridiculously tumultuous. He lost his job. We moved four times, first across the country and then back across the country.
I am exhausted and depleted. My question is, how do I let go of this grief?
It has haunted me for three years, and I am tired of how I feel. I’ve decided to separate, and I am living in a tiny three-bedroom place with my parents, sisters and three children.
There always seems to be something to justify the “why me” attitude.
I am struggling to find something positive, and I desperately need some peace.— Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Living with the chaos of your disastrous marriage has exhausted you to your core. But living in the relative stability of your family — especially if they are kind and supportive — will help restore you gradually.
You are grieving because your marriage has died. Divorce has become so prevalent that people don’t seem to acknowledge how devastating this loss is.
In addition to the obvious loss, you are also grieving the loss of possibility and the death of the dreams and ideals that sustained you during the years of your marriage.
Stop. Breathe. Sometimes when your life is externally chaotic, the peace you crave has to come from within. It takes time to re-create a life after it has crumbled. Stay put for a while. Avoid any drama with your ex.
At night after the kids are in bed, take 10 minutes to yourself. Write down a list of some things that happened during the day that felt good. It could be something as basic as the warmth of the sun or the fact that your car is working. Start there. Resolve to notice and build upon these simple things.
Life unfolds one day at a time. Strive to make those days a little bit better.
Dear Amy: I am interested in the letters in your column about sexless marriages. You usually blame a lack of communication.
You should ask the men in the group that I spend time with — none of their wives want anything to do with sex.
These are women in their 60s, married to their husbands of 20, 30 and 40 years who have written off sex as painful, messy and childish.
And, knowing these guys as well as I do, they have not cheated on their wives.
The crazy part about all this is that the couples do a ton of recreational things together, but sex is off the table.
Just a little sex could improve their lives so much. Is it so hard for women to “fake enjoyment”?
— Loving Husband
Dear Husband: You have perfectly described the plight of many long-married couples.
One technique involves something very similar to what you suggest — setting a schedule and “faking it until you make it.”
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