Dear Amy: I have a cousin who has been close to me throughout the years. He does not have any brothers and considers me a “brother.” The problem is that my cousin can be a very selfish person.
I am in the military, and when I was away for training I came home and found that most of my clothes were missing! On top of that on my first night out at home I found myself stuck with the bill once again. I try to find the best in him, but he continues to be a selfish individual.
He constantly brags about his girlfriend by sending out risque photos of her. Lately, he only contacts me to see if he can borrow something from my collection of sports jerseys. How can I make him see the light? — Cousin Clash
Dear Cousin: First of all, if your cousin is now contacting you and asking permission to borrow something (rather than taking it without permission), then I’d say you’ve made progress. Otherwise, he sounds like a jerk.
It is not your job to change him and make him into a better person — only to insist on basic boundaries and lay down some consequences when he violates these boundaries. (One consequence would be your reluctance to hang with him if his behavior doesn’t improve.) Many people have obnoxious family members. The challenge is to accept that you might not choose your family member as a friend, but you might have to tolerate him in limited doses.
When the boundaries are delineated and (mainly) respected, it is easier to tolerate those personality traits that you cannot change.
Dear Amy: I am engaged after a two-year relationship. There is a lot to love about my fianceé, but I have a problem.
I was married previously for more than 25 years. She was single for a much longer time and had many relationships — some serious but many not.
One of her relationships consisted of several brief sexual encounters with one guy.
I found two e-mails she had sent to him. In one (which she wrote months after we were in an exclusive relationship) she expressed how one of their encounters was something “that others can only dream of.” She said they had “a cosmic connection.” Recently, when she was out of town, she corresponded with him again.
She professed how much she missed him and said if he couldn’t meet her then, they could always meet up out of town for a “business trip.”
When I asked her about this contact, she said she was joking. She said that if he had shown up she would have sent him into another room.
Should I heed the smoke signals and run? — Trying to Believe
Dear Trying: I’m going to pose some questions designed to clarify things for you.
You are with someone who expresses herself as if she’s in a bad romance novel. Do you like this? Does she “joke” in this way with you?
Is this sort of sexually charged expression appropriate for someone who is in an exclusive relationship? Would you interact with your ex in this way?
Honest answers will allow the smoke to clear.
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