Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he’s the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely reciprocated. Over the past several years, his father has had health issues, but we are never notified until a couple of days into a hospitalization or after he has undergone a procedure. This is not a protective act so his child will not worry about him. It is purely selfish. He tells us they were “busy” or makes up some excuse. This upsets my husband because he wants to be kept in the loop.
We received a call from his father this week saying he’d been admitted to the hospital two days earlier with a heart problem. When my husband asked why his wife hadn’t called, he made up some excuse about how she was upset and busy tending to him. Tired of the excuses, I snapped. I called back and asked him why neither of them called. He started with the excuses, and I told him he was a selfish jerk and hung up on him. I told my husband I would apologize if he wanted me to. He said it didn’t matter and sent his dad flowers. The truth is, I’m not sorry and felt it needed to be said, but I feel I should probably apologize. — How Could You Forget To Call Your Kid?
Dear How: I don’t think this is what you were expecting to hear, but I am not in agreement with your premise at all. When you say, “This is not a protective act so his child will not worry about him,” how do you know? Then there’s the possibility that the effort to be in touch being “rarely reciprocated” suggests your f-i-l may not view being attached the same way your husband does.
Perhaps I see things differently than you because I had a mother who did things in the manner of your father-in-law. I, too, am an only child and learned from college on (when I no longer lived at home) that I often didn’t know about medical difficulties until they were over. That was her way; that’s what she wanted. I never felt I was owed a play-by-play of her life. Then, too, sometimes it is an added burden to put up with other people’s upset. And by all means do apologize and try to readjust your thinking. Your husband’s sending flowers should tell you something. — Margo, preferentially
Protocols Are Changing
Dear Margo: I read an essay about a gay male couple, soon to be married (both previously married to women), who wondered whether their former wives should either participate in the ceremony or “give them away.” They were all friendly. The essay was by one of the soon-to-be grooms. I would be interested in your take on this as a straight woman. — Just Curious
Dear Just: I think whatever brides and grooms, brides and brides, and grooms and grooms want to do is fine. Second marriage ceremonies, in general, have a tendency to be looser. Come to think of it, some first-time marriages are pretty freeform these days, as well. The Wedding Police seem to have retired about 15 years ago.
It has been my experience that gay weddings have a certain esprit, perhaps because they are newly recognized. I, for example, was the “flower girl” (honest) at the wedding of two dear male friends seven years ago. And I even wore a floaty white top because there was no bride to compete with! So I guess my take, as a straight woman, is that anything goes if the two people getting married want it. — Margo, individually
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers’ daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at . Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
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