Dear Amy: Last year my husband and I received a last-minute Thanksgiving dinner invitation, which we accepted. When I asked what I could bring, the hostess
said everything was taken care of. Not wanting to go to the dinner empty-handed, I took her a gift certificate for $25 from a store I know she frequents.
Before dinner was served she approached me and said that if I ever did something like that again I would never be invited back. I don’t know if any of the other guests overheard this or not, but I was mortified.
Can you please explain to me what “Golden Rule” of etiquette I breached that caused her to respond in this manner? I felt it was the only thoughtful thing I could do since we could not bring anything else to share at the dinner.
I would like not to make this same mistake twice. — Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: When you are invited for dinner and told not to bring any food, you should (at the most) bring a bottle of wine, a jar of fancy marmalade, olive oil or a bit of designer chocolate.
You offered the hostess a cash equivalent, and this is somewhat clunk, but your heart was in the right place and this gesture should have been well received.
Your hostess was very rude to call you out in this way.
Imagine the ideal of the original Thanksgiving feast, where there was no right or wrong — only gratitude. The etiquette breach was hers.
Dear Amy: Is there a kind and appropriate way to ask a neighbor to turn loud music down without offending him?
Although I do not want to impair my neighbor’s right to rock — he does it at 2 a.m.
We think it may be unwise to comment on this at midnight. Do you have any suggestions? — Stopped Rocking at 10 p.m.
Dear Stopped: Wow. Your neighbor is one lucky guy. In his world, the pressure to be appropriate, kind and respectful falls only to the neighbors — not to him.
Your neighbor does not actually have a “right to rock” at 2 a.m., but I applaud your instinct to be respectful. But you should initiate this conversation when it is happening.
The tone of your comment should be in the neutral, “Dude — can you turn it down? We have to work in the morning” spectrum.
If he complies, you should follow up the next day to acknowledge it and thank him. If he doesn’t comply, then raise the volume on the request.
Dear Amy: You responded to a letter from “Grammie,” concerning how an adoptive family should refer to the relationship between adopted siblings and the adoptees’ biological family.
I appreciated your position on the lack of necessity to detail relationships among people. Who cares?
I have long sensed that the use of “step” when introducing children in a family sounds like a distinction between “my real child” and “the other one.” Thank you for bringing the idea of choices into our habit speak. — Modern Reader
Dear Reader: And thank you for introducing “habit speak” to my column.
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