Dear Amy: As a child I was molested by my mother’s brother. This lasted for several years. Now, in my early 20s, I finally told my parents about this and reported it to the authorities. I did this after struggling with what had happened, struggling in college and dealing with other stress.
The issue is that mom’s side has been extremely rude to me. I have heard comments ranging from “I hope you are happy” to “You should have just kept your mouth shut.”
They have gone so far as to even try to get me to drop the charges or request that he only get probation.
Is it fair for me to hate them? I have told my parents I want nothing to do with this side of the family, and they seem to understand my request. I am not being unreasonable, am I? — Horrified
Dear Horrified: Surviving this abuse emotionally healthy and strong is an accomplishment — you are to be commended for following through to make sure the man who did this to you won’t be able to abuse another child.
Let me offer an alternative to hating these family members. Understand that these family members have reacted in a lowdown, ignorant and hateful way toward you.
Understand this and acknowledge their limitations and awful behavior. They have a family member who has done a terrible thing — and their familial loyalty to him is inappropriately expressed through aggressive comments directed to you, the victim.
Try to come to terms with this complicated reality. And then don’t have anything to do with them, if you choose.
You can talk this through with a counselor at the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (). The organization offers online and telephone support at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
Dear Amy: I am a married 24-year-old woman and mother to a 1-year-old.
I work and go to school full time at a junior college. My new schedule will require me to be at school five days a week, moving my work hours to a split shift (5 a.m. to 7 a.m. and 5 p.m. to 9 p.m.) with school in between.
I’ve tried to tell my husband how much I will need to rely on him to help with household duties, etc., but every time I bring it up he gets defensive and says I am undermining him.
I end up having to still do everything.
How can I get him to realize how hard it is for me to carry this full load?— Spread too Thin
Dear Spread: You don’t say if your husband also works outside the home, but let’s stipulate that you both have your hands full.
Your husband is right that you are undermining him if you still do everything at home when he is present. You need to let go.
He refuses to give you the assurances you want about your new schedule. So stop asking. Let it happen. Don’t overfunction for him and don’t correct him, unless there is a big problem.
Let your husband handle things in his own way — and choose to trust that he can figure out how to run the household in your absence.
This will not be the same household as the one you would run — and you need to accept it.
Write to askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
