It’s that time of year when I put on my fashion police uniform and hit the streets where criminals lurk. They’re everywhere. With a photographer along to document the crimes, I’ve put together an album of the fashion felonies I spotted in my travels around the city of Chicago.
OMG!
The crime: Extremely visible panty lines.
Why: It’s called underwear for a reason.
Solution: Higher-rise jeans, longer shirt, bend over in front of a mirror to see what motorists will see.
GROSS!
The crime: Nasty feet, polish-chipped toes.
Why: High ick factor.
Solution: Clean up, new polish, a pedicure, closed-toe shoes.
TMI
The crime: Too much bosom on view.
Why: Slutty, not sexy.
Solution: A camisole underneath to cover cleavage.
COVER ME
The crime: Cheeks, undies on view.
Why: Leggings aren’t pants!
Solution: Add a skirt, dress or long tunic.
NOT AGAIN
The crime: Capris.
Why: They make legs look stumpy.
Solution: Tapered midknee shorts or ankle-length pants. This is my fourth annual rant against capris, and I know I’m not winning this battle. Stop with the hate mail! It makes no sense to pay good money to make your legs look shorter. And don’t tell me they’re so much cooler. Three inches of fabric makes a dramatic difference? NO.
I SEE LONDON …
The crime: Skirt too tight and short for this pose.
Why: Strangers know what color underwear you’re sporting.
Solution: Dress for the activity; only stand upright in micro mini.
OUCH!
The crime: Sunburn.
Why: Painful — even to look at; linked to wrinkles, cancer.
Solution: Sunscreen.
WATCH YOUR BACK
The crime: Not just visible bra straps but the whole infrastructure.
Why: You’re hurting our eyes.
Solution: A shirt that covers your underwear.
POPPING OUT
The crime: Clothes too tight.
Why: You thought you’d lose weight.
Solution: Donate this one and go up a size — or two.
