Houston in the blind. It’s us. We’re out here in orbit, untethered, spinning, trying to dodge the debris flying toward us: jagged shards of computer code from HealthCare.gov and a giant wrecking ball carrying Miley Cyrus, who somehow got her hands on a slutty spacesuit.
Rand Paul and Wendy Davis are up here, too, and low on oxygen (solution: stop filibustering), as is Edward Snowden, who’s saying we should just head for the moon, where we can seek amnesty from 2013.
In what direction are we pointing? North West-Kardashian? What’s that sound? The dynastic call of the Duck Commander? In space, no one can hear you quack.
You know who’d be good in a situation like this? Rob Ford. Rob Ford would brilliantly blunder his way back to Earth, or he would deny ever having been in space at all.
Wait — our radio is crackling with new voices. Houston? No. It’s . . . it’s the pope.
And Sheryl Sandberg. They want to talk. They’re saying that to get back you have to lean in. Embrace the future.
So we do, with a list :
Out: Hillary 2016 In: Gillibrand 2020
Out:Walter White In: “Orange is the New Black”
Out: Cronuts In:Egg Creams
Out: Mockumentaries In: Mockbusters
Out: Bitcoin In: Coin
Out: Content In: Context
Out: Austerity In: Restraint
Out: Jennifer Lawrence In: Shailene Woodley
Out: Tesla Motors In: General Motors
Out: Thigh gaps In: Soccer legs
Out: Citizen journalists In: Citizen therapists
Out: Pencil-skirted secretaries In: Madwomen in the attic
Out: Exposed brick In: Brass fixtures
Out: Uber In: JetSuite
Out: Dickensian sagas In: Thin reads
Out: D.C. statehood In: Arctic sovereignty
Out: Color runs In: Stroller derbies
Out: Lorde In: Betty Who
Out: Kombucha In: Drinking vinegars
Out: The undercut for ladies In:Fancy lady hair for men
Out: Grindr In: Hinge
Out: Kirkland In:Price First
Out: The Dulles Toll Road In: The Silver Line
Out: “Key & Peele” In :”Broad City”
Out: Asteroids In: Calderas
Out: Origin stories In: Orgy stories
Out: Boy wonder know-it-alls In: Nana wisdom
Out: Donda In: Off White
Out: Food stamps In: Tanda tithing
Out: Daft Punk In: Todd Terje
Out: Madea In: Ja’mie
Out: Introverts vs. Extroverts In: Judgers vs. Perceivers
Out: Disrupting In: Distilling
Out: Beyoncé In: Beyoncé
Out: Happy hours In: Breakfasts
Out: Team gymnastics In: Team figure skating
Out: Brussels sprouts In: Cauliflower
Out: Queueing for gadgets In: Strategic Luddism
Out: Cyndi Lauper In: Stevie Nicks
Out: Denzel In: Chiwetel
Out: Soul Cycle In: Gyms in churches
Out: .com In: .everythingelse
Out: “This is everything.” In: “You do you.”
Out: Underage models In: Model rights
Out: Whiny millennials In: Young invincibles
Out: Logan Circle In: Fort Totten
Out: Ferns In: Succulents
Out: “Keep Austin weird” In: “Buffalove”
Out: Binge-watching In: Fast-forwarding
Out: Green burials In: Dying on Mars
Out: Pot brownies In: Gourmet marijuana recipes
Out: The Justins Bieber and Timberlake In: The Bells Kristen and Lake
Out: Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey In: Allspice dram
Out: Snapchat In: WeChat
Out: Sitters In: PANKs
Out: Boot camps In: Sweat-working
Out: “Call the Midwife” In: Midwives for the dying
Out: JFK In: WWI
Out: Russia In: Latvia
Out: James Deen In: Stoya
Out: Shade In: Side-eye
Out: Deep-frying In: Spatchcocking
Out: Open government In: Open shelving
Out: Fox’s old white Santa In: SNL’s new black woman
Out: Skeet shooting In: Drone shooting
Out: The Washington Redskins In: ANY OTHER NAME, REALLY.
