I shot my neighbor’s yippy little Chihuahua the other day. Unloaded my .44 mag. I felt threatened.
I was walking by their house, see, and I thought the pooch growled at me. I feared for my life, my attorney tells me.
Turns out all the growling came from my own stomach, to which I would say you try spending $45.88 on lunch at Taco Bell and tell me if you don’t start hearing some strange noises.
The point is, the Second Amendment guarantees me the right to shoot things, especially here in Colorado where the politicians are, fortunately, scared brainless of the National Rifle Association.
So anyway, I unloaded a 70-round clip from my handgun into Muffin the Chihuahua, which may seem like a lot of bullets to fire into a 3-pound dog but hey, why buy a 70-round clip if you’re only going to shoot something 20 or 30 times?
And what’s the big deal, anyway? We’re always shooting dogs here in Colorado.
Just last week, for example, a fearless Commerce City police officer shot a dog that bit his leg. You might ask why he didn’t whack the dog on the head with his nightstick or douse the mutt with Mace or pepper spray, but you wouldn’t get any answer from the Commerce City police department.
And who hasn’t read recently about another courageous man in Commerce City who shot and killed his neighbor’s dog because it bit his own dog?
Seems Kevin Burr was walking his mutt during the day and, as we all do, decided to bring along his handgun. It was OK, of course, because he had a concealed-weapon permit, which is extremely difficult to obtain, what with that stringent application form asking tough questions such as, “What is your name?” and, “When were you born?”
So there’s a kid’s birthday party there in Commerce City and Burr walks by with his border collie, and out of nowhere a maniacal, fierce, Satan-like Labrador-collie killing machine named Clifford jumps over a fence and bites his border collie.
Clifford’s people heard gunshots, looked out and saw Burr standing on the sidewalk with the handgun.
“This guy had his gun pointed down at Clifford,” said Emily Martinez, Clifford’s owner. “He shot him twice in the neck.”
Back in the day, of course, people broke up dog fights with a swift kick or by smacking them with a stick. We were so stupid back then. Today we settle such things by flicking off the safety on our Glock and wasting the other dog, just as the Founding Fathers intended.
After Clifford’s death, the politicians decided shooting a dog to death on a sidewalk in a neighborhood is just fine. Adams County District Attorney Dave Young made that call, appeasing the Second Amendment advocates and clinging to his job by ruling Burr had a need to shoot Clifford to protect his own dog.
So, can we shoot cats, too? Ever seen what Fluffy can do to a sofa with those claws? How about a pet rabbit? I know if a bunny even looked like he might nip me with those big teeth or lash out with deadly hind-leg kicks, I would mow it down with my AK-47 and make myself a lucky key chain.
Well, that’s about it for today. I have to run next door and shoot my neighbor’s parrot many times with my .357. I was over there the other day and Polly kept shouting, “Squawk! Weird guy has a big nose! Squawk!”
Talk about feeling threatened.
Contact Rich Tosches at richtosches@gmail.com.
