Most of us want to believe the fairy tale we grew up with: that two people can fall in love, get married and live happily ever after — or some variation of that. Some of us do live that fairy tale, but most of us struggle with the “happily ever after” part. It’s not that we don’t desire it, but rather that we don’t know how to do it.
So permit me to offer some suggestions about some of the more important behaviors that are required if you want “that lovin’ feeling” to last into the future:
1. Choose peace over feeling irritated. It’s empowering to choose being loving and peaceful instead of responding to an irritation or disappointment with an angry, reactive or judgmental response.
2. Listen for the longing behind your partner’s complaints. You’ll hear the important issue that way.
3. Do one thing each day that would help your partner feel more valued or appreciated.
4. Good communication requires more than talking. Most people are very good talkers and extremely poor listeners. Listening effectively asks you to hear without defending, explaining, criticizing or interrupting.
5. Remove reactivity, defensiveness, hostility or sarcasm from you dialogues. Refrain from threatening the relationship, from put-downs, belittling words, nitpicking or being disrespectful. Learn to express hurt, anger and frustrations in a more skillful manner, and get better at self-editing. No one does well when they feel judged or criticized more than they feel appreciated or respected.
6. Happy couples make their relationship a top priority in their lives. They don’t spend their most vital hours consistently preoccupied with other concerns or activities — or too tired.
7. What kind of touch do you want more of? What kind of touch makes you feel closer or more connected? This is a conversation that needs to happen between people who are intimate with each other, because the right kind of touch keeps people closer. It’s also appropriate to talk about what kind of touch is unwelcome or does not make you feel closer.
8. Be willing to be the leader in your relationship — the person looking out for the overall welfare of the partnership, and of the people within the partnership. That means to warm things up between the two of you, to grow the connection and the happiness between you, and don’t take out negative energy on your spouse.
9. Make sure you do periodic repair work by apologizing when you say or do something that hurts or offends.
10. Pick your battles. You’re not going to win every one, so fight only for those things that matter the most.
11. Add surprise and variety, so you don’t fall into routines that deaden relationship spontaneity and aliveness.
Neil Rosenthal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of “Love, Sex and Staying Warm: Keeping the Flame Alive.” 303-758-8777, or . He can’t answer individual queries.
