Just about every football fan outside New England cackled a “Ha-ha!” like Nelson from “The Simpsons” on Monday when the NFL dropped the hammer on Patriots quarterback Tom Brady.
Brady, the NFL decided, was helped too much by footballs that were too deflated. So they suspended him four games to start the season.
Why did it take the NFL four months and a FBI-style investigation to figure this out? Maybe because they don’t want us talking about other NFL problems like head injuries and domestic abuse.
Neither here nor there. The point is: Cheaters never prosper. Except, Brady and the Pats still have the Super Bowl rings they won last season, so maybe it should be “cheaters never prosper except when they do and they often do.”
Add this week’s “Deflategate” to the list of great sports cheats. And for context, here are 10 of the best sports cheats of all-time:
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1. “HITCH A RIDE”
Fred Lorz wins the 1904 Olympic marathon
The Cheat: Didn’t even run the race
Caught: Immediately
American Fred Lorz ran across the finish line to congratulations and a gold medal at the St. Louis Games. Only problem was he didn’t really run the race. He dropped out after nine miles, then hitched a ride in a car for 15 miles, then hopped back on the course. Spectators called him out though and he copped to the cheat. The runner-up, Thomas Hicks, was given the gold. But it turned out later Hicks was juicing — on an old-timey rat-poison cocktail of strychnine sulfate and brandy.
2. “ALL DRUG OLYMPICS”
Ben Johnson wins the 100 meters in 1988
The Cheat: Old-school steroids
Caught: Eventually
The Golden Age of steroids. Canada’s Ben Johnson won the 100 meters at Seoul in 9.79 seconds, then a world record. But his blood test popped for classic, Eastern European-style anabolic steroids. He was stripped. Gold went to Carl Lewis. But eventually, six of the eight sprinters in that race were discovered to have been doping.
3. “HAND OF GOD”
Diego Maradona takes down England in World Cup
The Cheat: Punched in a goal.
Caught: Cheaters do prosper.
Maradona, all of 5-foot-5, somehow outjumped England goalkeeper Peter Shelton, who was 6-1 plus the length of his arms, to head in a goal in the quarterfinals in 1986 at Mexico City. But As Maradona said himself, in Hall of Fame-worthy third-person: It was “a little with the head of Maradona and a little with the hand of God.”
4. “THE GREAT CORKED BAT CAPER”
Albert Belle hits .357 and 36 home runs
The Cheat: His bat was corked, then stolen
Caught: Eventually
The Cleveland slugger was using a corked bat. The White Sox knew it and called him out. So the umps confiscated the bat and sent it to their locker room for later testing. That’s when the fun started. Cleveland relief pitcher Jason Grimsley climbed into the ceiling, crawled through the air ducts, then dropped into the umps’ room to swap out the bats. Read from 1999.
5. “HEAVY-HANDED TECH”
Tim Duncan is ejected by Joey Crawford in 2007
The Cheat: Old-fashion pride
Caught: Kinda
Joey Crawford had it in for the Spurs and center Tim Duncan. It’s the only explanation. But we consider a ref to be cheating when he doesn’t gain from the outcome? Maybe Crawford did. Maybe it was pride messing with him. If nothing else, when Crawford ejected Duncan for laughing on the bench, the NBA crooked ref conspiracy theories got their ready-made example.
6. “WHACK HEARD ‘ROUND THE WORLD”
Tonya Harding orders a hit on Nancy Kerrigan in 1994
The Cheat: A hard baton to the leg
Caught: Eventually
Was this the first modern sports scandal? , who encouraged two men to break her rival’s leg before the U.S. Figure Skating Championships, was ridiculous. Kerrigan went on to win silver in the Olympics. Harding finished eighth at Lillehammer and entered the late-night talk show punchline hall of fame.
7. “OK, THAT’S JUST LOW”
Spanish “paralympic” basketball team wins gold in 2000
The Cheat: They were able-bodied!
Caught: Eventually
The Spanish paralympic basketball team cruised to a gold medal in 2000. But they never should have qualified. They were nearly all able-bodied. And the IOC only caught them because a reporter had been embedded with them all along and uncovered their nefarious plot.
8. “BARRY BONDS’ BALCO BROUHAHA”
Barry Bonds sets the home-run record
The Cheat: He was juiced
Caught: Kinda, but not really
Barry Bonds’ 762 home runs sits atop baseball’s record book without an official asterisk. He’s never admitted to using performance-enhancing drugs. But sprinter Marion Jones, who worked with the same BALCO suppliers as Bonds, was caught. Bonds will keep his record. But he might be kept out of the Baseball Hall of Fame. Too bad. He was a great ballplayer.
9. “LIVE STRONG AND CUT CORNERS”
Lance Armstrong wins record seven Tours de France
The Cheat: The dope doped
Caught: Yes
Lance Armstrong’s biggest crime wasn’t blood-doping. He was hardly alone among cycling cheaters. His most offensive move was being a self-righteous hypocrite. Cheating to win is bad enough. Cheating to profit as a millionaire do-gooder is bogus.
10. “COOKING SPRAY JERSEY SLIPS”
Loveland High wins football game over Greeley Central
The Cheat: Their jerseys were covered with non-stick cooking spray
Caught: Cheaters win
Some said Tom Brady’s deflated footballs aren’t a big deal because everybody does it anyway and who does it hurt anyway? It hurts when you see kids cheat too. The Loveland High football team was forced to change their uniforms at halftime after referees discovered player’s uniforms were . Loveland coach John Poovey later admitted they used the spray, but said . CHSAA initially banned the defending champs from the playoffs but later let them play anyway and Loveland made it to the semifinals.
Nick Groke: ngroke@denverpost.com or twitter.com/nickgroke
