Say what you will about government efficiency, but the city of Aspen did something I think we can all applaud, regardless of which way we vote: It officially banned microwaving fish sticks in the office.
Nothing brings people together quite like the communal loathing of putrid scents, and if thatap not corporate team building for you, then I don’t know what is.
Aspen’s fish-stick ban got me thinking about the office politics of food and, more specifically, how to deal with all the gross food and drink problems that arise when you share a communal kitchen with tens (or hundreds) of people with whom you have no ties outside of a paycheck.
I surveyed friends, family and work colleagues to identify the biggest office food problems and how to navigate the worst co-worker food offenders. Do any of these sound familiar?
The problem: The Hoarders
Itap quite possible that the most horrifying, grotesque thing you encounter each day is your office fridge. Sure, you love your co-workers (or not), but they’re bringing in some weird food stuff. And when that weird food stuff ferments — sometimes literally — for months on end, well, things can get a little funky.
Rich English told a tale of a refrigerator that sounded more like a “Tales from the Crypt” episode. English worked for a theater, where apparently all involved were more concerned with the play than cleaning out the backstage fridge.
“Tubs and wrapped things and God-knows-what had been in that fridge since the dawn of electricity,” English said. “One container in particular had been left slightly ajar. Mold from whatever it was had grown out of the crack and was groping its way up the wall of the fridge. Stuff dripping from it, too. The smell was positively demonic.”
And then there are the rats. More than one person mentioned file cabinet rat infestations spurred by old snack collections.
The Solution:
What can you do when your co-workers simply won’t clean up after themselves or refuse to bring home their months-old risotto? Many offices do routine, mandatory fridge clean-outs, which means that everything must go. Depending on the budget, this non-enviable task is typically performed by either brave volunteer co-workers or facilities services.
The problem: The Stinkers
According to a study by the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, 62 percent of Americans eat lunch at their desks, so yes, there are going to be some smells. But where do you draw the line?
A worker at Boulder County-based Crocs recalled someone fermenting kombucha in the office fridge. (How very Boulder!) The stench was not appreciated. Peter Hathaway told me about office evacuations due to microwave popcorn setting off the smoke alarm. His entire office of 800 people has had to vacate the premises multiple times due to someone’s Orville Redenbacher’s getting a little too toasty.
Then there’s the fish, probably the top smelly food offender. I vomited many times while pregnant with my daughter, but I’ll never forget that first run to the bathroom, after a co-worker’s reheated fish inspired a tidal wave of nausea. Ah, memories.
The Solution:
Offices can make like the city of Aspen and create an official ban. The intergovernmental agreement (IGA) between the city and the Pitkin County Community Development Department reads:
“The city shall provide office space, at no charge, to the county community development department on the third floor of City Hall in the current amount and general configuration on the condition that microwaving fish sticks is strictly prohibited.”
Chris Bendon was the author of the Aspen fish stick clause.
“You work in an office, and all of a sudden there’s this hideous smell that wafts through the office and murders everyone,” Bendon said of that fateful day. “Someone was microwaving fish sticks — those awful cheap ones — and it happened to be at the same time that we were writing the IGA about sharing county space. So I wrote it into the ban. We’re all pretty tolerant people, but the fish sticks just sent me and others over the edge.”
If you absolutely, positively must have your office fish stick lunch, Ocean Prime chef Roman Rodriguez has a couple tips for reducing the stink when reheating seafood at the office.
First, he advised using a lot of lemon to counteract the fishy smell. Next, set the microwave or toaster oven to a lower heat setting (50 percent for the microwave), which should lessen the intensity of the smell.
The problem: The Eccentrics
Barbara Ellis, Features editor at The Denver Post, worked with a guy who kept a raw chicken in his desk drawer and would gnaw on it throughout his shift.
“The marvel was he never got salmonella,” Ellis said of the co-worker, who she insisted did not work for the publication which you are currently reading.
Sometimes itap not what your co-workers are eating so much as how they’re eating it. When Joe Colacioppo worked at a call center, he had a colleague who loved tater tots. He’d make them fresh during his night shifts with a Fry Daddy. The kicker? He did it naked.
Solution:
There’s not a whole lot you can do about dictating what people can and can’t bring in to work to eat. (Unless, apparently, you’re the City of Aspen.) Whatap considered gross or strange in one culture, is completely normal in another. Consider investing in nose plugs and better controlling your gag reflex.
As for the naked stuff, now I’m not a Human Resources pro, but I’ll go out on a limb and suggest that most offices can (and probably should) enforce a pants requirement.
The Problem: The Food Thieves
I’m sure we’ve all been victim to office food theft — whether by negligence or intentional malice — but sometimes it gets weirder than a single stolen lunch.
When Greg McBoat worked for the Colorado Department of Labor and Employment, he didn’t have his sandwich stolen, but rather a bite of his sandwich taken out. He’d open his lunch to find a single bite (that he swore he did not take) missing. Just a bite.
Talina Smith’s problem is more common. The poor woman would store vanilla creamer in the office fridge, only to find it empty every time she went to use it. Her mega, end-of-days-sized bottle would only last her a few cups because co-workers kept taking it. What to do with these food thieves?
The Solution:
Taking justice into our own hands seems to be a common approach. Sure, you could blindly steal back, thus devolving your office into a state of complete and total food free-for-all anarchy. That could work out well. Or you could be a super-genius and do as Smith did with her creamer problem.
“I tried hiding it in different bottles, leaving notes on it, whatever I could think of,” Smith said. “It never did stop until I put a decoy bottle spiked with Milk of Magnesia and just kept it refilled while I used my stash from a bottle labeled ‘Breast Milk.’ ”
Thatap office hero status right there, folks.
