Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married a little over three years and have known each other for more than six years. This is a blended family, and my wife has a 22-year-old recent college grad, and a 27-year-old alcoholic son from her first marriage. This is my first marriage.
Presently we are at an impasse in our marriage. My wife cannot cut the apron strings and has put her grown sons ahead of our marriage.
The older son is enabled by his parents and has not worked in three years while his father provides him a free place to live while he is sadly drinking his life away. The younger son has been staying with us for four years while at college. Now a graduate he is going to work construction and landscaping jobs while he has a marketing degree.
My wife and I agreed he should pay rent until he finds a place of his own. Well, that has all changed and I am the bad guy. How should I deal with this unfortunate situation? I am hanging on by a thread and cannot even talk to my wife about this subject without her ranting and raving. My wife’s entire family has said that her two sons are going to ruin this marriage.
– Marriage on the Rocks
Dear Marriage: The first step is to move these conversations from the home and into a neutral space with someone who can help you both navigate them without running into familiar grooves or trigger points. That could be done with a couples therapist or a faith leader. Itap very likely that while you both think you’re communicating clearly, what one is hearing may not be what the other is saying. Therapy can help prevent that from happening.
Itap also crucial to remember that your wife’s relationships with her sons far predate your relationship. This doesn’t mean they have more importance, per se, but the roots are deeper and, as with any parental relationship, complex. Blending a family doesn’t stop at the wedding. Itap an on-going process.
Try to think of the sons separately; it may be that you’re conflating their problems and so every argument becomes, inadvertently, about her parenting writ large. The issues with the older son, for instance, may not be yours to address right now, especially since he’s not living at home.
Think about whatap really important to you. Is the rent really the issue here or is it that you don’t feel heard in your home? Both are valid, but they have different solutions. If you haven’t already, ask your wife why she has changed her mind about the rent. And share with her why you think itap important that her son does so right now. You may uncover that you have different philosophies, but a shared goal.
Dear Eric: My close cousin will be turning 95 this year and her daughter told me a while back she was planning a birthday party for her. Recently I received a save the date card stating it’s a birthday party for Mary (95), John (76) and Susan (70). Susan is my cousin Mary’s daughter and John is her husband. I didn’t realize all three were being honored at the party. Am I obliged to give a gift to each person? Since they live out of state, I have only seen Susan a handful of times over the years, and I’ve never met her husband. Family members have asked me what I plan to do regarding gifts. I haven’t a clue. Is it all right to just give a gift to my cousin and not her daughter and son-in-law? Please advise. Also, what do you buy a 95-year-old?
– RSVP
Dear RSVP: At a joint party such as this, sometimes your presence is present enough. The objective, it would seem, is to gather family that isn’t together very much and commemorate these notable milestones. So, showing up may be all they ask of their guests.
That said, a thoughtful card with a personal note goes a long way, especially as we get older. Because you’re closer to Mary than Susan and John, your note to her might be more extensive. But a card is a great way for people to keep track of who came to celebrate them and what well-wishes their friends and family sent them off into their new year with. If you have older photos of any of the celebrants, you can also print them out and slip them in the card.
Lastly, if you really want to give Mary a gift, consider reaching out to her daughter and asking what Mary might need or want. Are there flowers or candies or mementos that she particularly likes? A small gesture can go a long way.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
