Dear Eric: I have had a friend “Tillie,” for 35 years, and I love her dearly. We have been through a lot together and helped each other through many tough times. But Tillie has changed over the past few years. Essentially, she has become what I would call a “taker.”
For example, she looks to others to treat her to lunches but never offers to purchase even an appetizer for the rest of the lunch group. If a member of the group has a gift card for an establishment, when the bill comes, we will all apply the gift card to the total tab, then divide the remainder of the bill among the group. When she has a gift card, she waits for her share of the bill to be tallied, then applies the gift card to her share only.
The last straw was when we got tickets for a local theater. She asked me to drive (involving not only gas but paying tolls). She requested we park in a specific lot because she has trouble walking and wanted to be near the theater, which cost nearly double as it would have had we parked in a lot further away.
When we were leaving and it came time to pay for parking, she didn’t offer even a dollar to offset the cost for parking. Even her sister has said Tillie is always holding her hand out for something.
Now a few of us have tickets for another event, and she is already asking me to drive to the theater and is discussing a meal afterward. I’m sure she’ll want special parking (and the premium price to go along with it) again. The other friends are all wondering how to deal with this greediness. It is the cost, but itap also the principle. We want to continue to include Tillie, but we are at a loss as to how to address this with her.
— Tapped Out In The Midwest
Dear Tapped Out: Itap possible Tillie is experiencing economic insecurity or having trouble making ends meet, while still wanting to be involved socially. Obviously, it would be better for everyone if she was more upfront about her needs, but that can be hard, understandably. One solution is to talk through the costs of an event beforehand and come to agreement about shared costs.
For instance, you could bring up the parking situation from the last event and tell her that you’ll be happy to give her a ride, but you want to make sure she’s willing to split the expense with you. Itap probably best to address this on a case-by-case basis, even though as a group you’ve noticed a pattern.
Dear Eric: How do I convince my adult children to call me about once a week or 10 days? I’m 82 and they are 54, 52, and 44. I know they love me and my husband and always step up if we need help. I really miss them and feel like I don’t have a sense of their daily lives.
They don’t live in the same state we do so visits are very rare, about once a year. My daughter’s visits are even fewer since she doesn’t like where we live. (Many here are racist.)
I have told them exactly how I feel. My youngest is the only one who calls, about once a month. I call them individually about once a month, or text each. I don’t see this changing.
I’m afraid this won’t change in my lifetime. I find it depressing, even though my life is full and often fun with friends.
— Phone Home
Dear Phone: I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. Itap frustrating that you’ve done the best thing to do in these situations — i.e., you communicated clearly and told them what you need — and they still haven’t stepped up. A phone call is not a hard ask.
You might try being even more proactive by telling each to pick a day (or even day and time) that works for them for a weekly phone call. Say that this is a non-negotiable. On the day, you might text them a reminder: “remember, today is Monday and we have our phone call. I’m looking forward to it!” I know that this is even more work for you and itap work that you shouldn’t have to do. However, it may be that your children aren’t taking your wants seriously.
If they can’t or won’t agree to this, then at least you’ll have the opportunity to ask why. If there are deeper issues in your relationship, they can more easily be resolved if you know about them.
But if they are simply forgetting or taking you for granted, they need to hear clearly how their actions are coming across to someone they love.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
