Dear Eric: My 93-year-old Dad passed away recently, and my brother and I are planning a memorial service. Our mother died several years ago. Mom and Dad stayed married despite the fact that Dad came out as gay around 2000. He had a very close relationship with a man, “Douglas,” for many years, although they were just friends when Dad died.
My brother and I (and my mother) were aware of Dad’s being gay and his relationship with Douglas, but the rest of our family was not. Many of Dad’s friends know Douglas.
My brother does not want Douglas invited to Dad’s memorial, even by Zoom. I don’t think my brother is homophobic, I just think he never wanted to process this issue. He says that having Douglas there means he would have to explain to his wife and (adult) children this side of our father’s life story and he doesn’t want to do that.
I think that excluding Douglas would be cruel. He’s deeply grieving and he would most likely go unnoticed and unremarked at the memorial. He would also probably attend by Zoom. But I don’t think I have a greater right than my brother to dictate who comes to the memorial and I don’t want to create a situation that is painful for my brother. Preserving my relationship with my brother after my father’s death is very important to me. Can you help me find a way through this?
— Grieving Sister and Daughter
Dear Sister and Daughter: I’m sorry for the loss of your father. Your impulse surrounding Douglas’ presence at the memorial is correct and kind. You should follow it.
You don’t need to be the person to debate this with your brother, of course. But you might ask him to apply some logic or simply release control of the situation. Since Douglas is known to many of your father’s friends, itap likely that any of them could tell him about the memorial and even send the Zoom link. Unless you’re stipulating that this is a strictly private affair, itap unusual to control who comes and who doesn’t.
Additionally, itap unusual for a relative to have to explain who every person at a memorial is, even small gatherings. Our lives are full, ideally, and after 93 years a person crosses paths with an untold number of people in different contexts. If your brother’s wife asks who a random square on a Zoom screen is, your brother doesn’t have to give details or even claim to know him.
Encourage your brother to release this situation. Actively working against Douglas will only hurt Douglas and it will do nothing to remedy your brother’s grief. Encourage him to live and let live. It will help him focus on whatap most important to him: remembering his father.
Dear Eric: I and two others work in a very small office at our local landfill. We are never together, each of us has an assigned day.
One of our coworkers seems to be a hoarder. She has furniture (hideous) and other treasures squirreled away in our office.
I do not want to hurt her feelings by calling out her behavior. I asked her recently to take some items home, and she replied her car was already full. We get along fine other than this issue. How can we kindly, tactfully speak to her about this?
— Cramped Coworker
Dear Coworker: As this is a shared space, it would benefit from shared agreements about its use. Right now, it seems that she’s presuming the space is hers to do with as she pleases, without regard for how it impacts the other two people who work there.
So, start with laying down some ground rules everyone can agree to. Since you’re never together, this may take a little logistical work on your end. You might, for instance, reach out to the third coworker and start the ball rolling, then present your hoarding coworker with the thoughts and ask for her feedback.
Ideally, this will get you to a place where you can remind her when she’s not following the group agreements (i.e., we agree to keep this desk clean when itap not our shift, et cetera).
Although she might still take things personally, itap best for you to keep the focus on yourself and what you need to do the job well. So, for instance, you might explain, “the other coworker and I have trouble navigating the office when there are extra things stored in it. Itap a safety hazard. So, can we agree to keep the walkways clear?” This can have a different impact than telling her, “your things are blocking my path.”
Remind her that her choices in the shared space affect other people and she may be compelled to make a change.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
