Dear Eric: A few years ago, I was directly responsible for saving “Peter’s” life. I did not know Peter before this event and soon afterward he and his family reached out to thank me and ask to meet me, obviously under better circumstances.
I agreed to the meeting and, to be blunt, I regret it completely.
Peter is a perfectly decent person. But we just don’t have anything in common.
But he and several members of his family will not stop calling me, texting me, et cetera. I’m his hero, which in their eyes seems to translate to being his friend. But, honest to God, I do not like him. To be blunt, he annoys me.
He has done nothing wrong. He is just not someone who I would choose to be friends with.
However, I keep responding due to feeling horrible about it/how we actually met.
I have backed off considerably in responding to text messages, hoping that they would take a hint, but he and his family haven’t.
I don’t wish to be friends with any of them. I just don’t know how to do so without hurting their feelings. Any advice on how to get rid of them? I know I sound horrible and I’m sorry, but I seriously need them to stop bothering me.
— Not the Hero
Dear Hero: Your core desire — to not be drawn into a relationship with people you don’t jibe with — isn’t so horrible. If you hadn’t met while saving Peter’s life, it would probably be easier to disengage. Some people don’t get along and thatap fine.
Itap possible to have a “breakup” conversation thatap brief, clear and kind. Tell Peter that you’re glad you were able to be there for him but that the ongoing contact has been a little intense. Itap fine to say something along the lines of “I’m not in a place to be friends but I wish you well.”
This may sting to hear but itap better to be honest in this way than to carry resentment. What you’re doing is communicating what you want, rather than continuing to try to meet his expectations. He may feel that the universe brought you together, but the universe did not necessarily bring you together forever. Tell him that you’re glad to have saved his life and you wish him nothing but the best for the rest of it.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married 10 years. I’m 84 and he is 75 now. My vision was to travel a bit and enjoy retirement. Two years into the marriage he started falling, after many neurologist visits and many medical tests it is severe neuropathy. He cannot walk or drive, he works out three times a week in an effort to maintain what mobility he has.
I work daily to keep him motivated and supportive. Nevertheless, I want to travel. I want to be free. I don’t know what to do. I’m so frustrated. Do I stay with him, or do I leave and go my own way? I feel so guilty when I think this way, but this is not what I signed up for. I don’t know what to do. Please, help me.
— Stuck Wife
Dear Wife: No one knows what they’re signing up for when they begin a relationship, particularly marriage. We are all almost guaranteed to be presented with unexpected challenges. Part of the solution involves accepting what we cannot change. But an equal part involves knowing when and how to reach out for help.
So, there are other options besides leaving him and staying stuck. First, itap helpful to acknowledge that this is not what he chose. Itap a hard situation for both of you, in different ways of course. Itap OK to acknowledge that this is not how you saw your life going. Preventing yourself from doing so will just lead to resentment, which will poison your marriage.
Next, have a conversation with him about bringing in help that will allow you time to travel and refresh yourself. That might look like a home health aide, a friend or relative, or someone else, depending on the specific needs he has. Ask him about his feelings on the matter. He may well want you to pursue this part of your dream.
Traveling involves coming back. Itap possible that some of the guilt and frustration you’re experiencing stems from feeling trapped. There are some aspects of his health challenges that are keeping you both from the lives you wanted. But take a lesson from the way he works out regularly to maintain mobility. He can’t do exactly what he wants but is doing what he can. You can, as well, while still maintaining a connection to and caring for someone that you love.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
