Dear Eric: I am a giver. It has always been ingrained in my personality. I give and help family, friends, neighbors, perfect strangers. I am always volunteering to help in any way I can. This causes people to take advantage of me.
I am always giving and doing more for them than they do for me. When I need something, so-called friends are seldom there. I’m not keeping score. But somehow my compulsion to give and help ends up getting me hurt.
Hurt feelings from friends and family that are not there for me. Financial debts never repaid. Financial gifts taken for granted once the moment passes. Neighbors say they need something, but when I offer to lend it to them, I never see the item again.
How can I stop doing this? I’m tired of getting my feelings hurt and losing my money and possessions. I’ll just be talking to someone and if an opportunity to give or help comes up, I’m volunteering myself without hesitation. Afterward, I’m like why do I do that? Don’t say therapy. I can’t afford that and this isn’t a big problem, just a little problem that brings me hurt feelings.
— Giving Too Much
Dear Giving: Think about what you’re getting from giving, or what you want to get. Ask yourself if what you really want isn’t something that easily comes from being overly generous. Perhaps you’re really looking for connection or community; perhaps you’re trying to fix things for others. I don’t want to pathologize any of this, but from your letter it sounds like your giving nature is sometimes setting you up for failure.
Now, of course, you should be receiving thanks or repayment. Of course, people shouldn’t be taking advantage of you. Itap not your fault that the gifts are going unnoticed or being taken for granted. See what happens when you put yourself on a generosity budget. Say someone needs help and you feel the desire to lend a hand. Stop and ask yourself if there’s another way that you can be of assistance without giving so much of yourself. Perhaps itap connecting them with another person who can provide what they need instead of providing it yourself.
I’m not saying stop being generous. But try to be mindful about the conditions under which you’re lending a hand and see if you notice a pattern.
Dear Eric: A few months ago, my nearest and dearest friend of 50 years ended our friendship by leaving a letter in my bathroom after we had a lovely visit.
We have been through so much together. In her letter she stated that although she was always there for me that I had never been there for her. I was on life support last year and she was at the hospital every day. Approximately one month after my discharge, she was admitted to hospital. I had a lot of health issues as a direct result of the life support and as much as I wanted to be able to visit her, I was unable to. I couldn’t walk properly and I don’t drive. She mentioned this in the letter.
I am deeply hurt by this.
I have tried to reach out to her by phone and social media, but I have been blocked. She spent several hours at my house the day she left the letter. Everything was fine. A nice lunch and lots of laughs.
In the closing of her letter, she wrote that our friendship was toxic and that she is ending it. I feel lost and lonely. I also feel that she should have talked to me and not been a coward leaving a hidden letter. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated
— Dazed and Hurt
Dear Dazed and Hurt: I’m so sorry you experienced this. While I often suggest letters as a form of communication for fractured relationships, the way your friend went about it doesn’t make sense and clearly leaves you with more questions than answers.
She had every opportunity to have a conversation with you about the issues she had with your friendship. It was unfair and confusing for her to engage as if nothing was wrong, knowing she planned to leave the letter. It denied you both the chance to understand where the other was coming from.
Try to see this as an act by someone who is hurting. Even though that hurt may not all be coming from you and none of it was intentional, itap there. Sometimes, when we are hurt, we act out of self-protection or out of anger. While this action casts a pall over the friendship’s end, it doesn’t have to define the whole friendship. Hold on to the good parts of your time together, while you let her go with love.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
