Dear Eric: I have a longtime friend who is downsizing as she prepares to sell her home and move into assisted living. Every time we talk, she shares a story about a unique item and the lucky person who has received it.
I am genuinely happy about this and wholeheartedly support giving away treasures before you die so you can ensure it’s going to a good home.
I’m also human and starting to feel left out of the largesse. Any tips on how to navigate my feelings and her process?
— Not Ungrateful
Dear Not Ungrateful: Try to put her experience into context. She’s going through a big change in her life, one that may involve some grief. Giving her belongings away may feel good but it also might make her sad or give rise to existential fears about being forgotten. Try to listen to her stories from her perspective. See if you can hear her telling you about her attempts to leave a legacy and reckon with her life thus far. It may soften the edge a bit.
Additionally, if there are items that you want, be proactive about asking for them. She may be grateful to know they’ll be in appreciative hands. Or, if there isn’t any particular item that you have your eye on, consider asking her if you can help her in this process. Having a conversation about her process in person, with the actual items near at hand may make the experience feel different and offer an opportunity to ask for something you want.
Lastly — and I’m not trying to be too precious about this — remember that she is giving something to you: her story. She’s telling you about her life, her legacy and her feelings. She’s not doing that for everyone and itap a valuable gift.
Dear Eric: My partner and I have been together for more than eight years. We both lost our spouses quite a few years ago and feel really blessed to be sharing these years of our lives together. We totaled up 110 years of marriage between us. We are in our late 80s and early 90s. Independent and still living on our own. Still traveling and having fun.
On Mother’s Day and Father’s Day we have not given gifts but always acknowledged and gave hugs and good wishes for many more. We each have three kids all in their 60s and mostly retired.
On this past Father’s Day, my kids wished my partner a Happy Father’s Day either online or in person. One of his sons came to visit him with a sweet card of thanks for all the love and caring he has done for him.
His other two sons have yet to even call to say hello, let alone wish him Happy Father’s Day. He sends each one of them a nice check each month, not because they need the money, but because he is a generous, giving person.
He says it does not bother him that they did not call or acknowledge Father’s Day. It makes me really angry with them and sad. I know their dad did not model this kind of behavior. I am doing my best to not blow my top at them on his behalf. Please give me some of your wise words to use with them.
— Sad Partner
Dear Partner: Your partner’s sons absolutely should have reached out. However, it will be more productive to take your partner at his word that it doesn’t bother him. To not do so risks creating problems between him and his kids, or between you and his kids.
Now, one might argue that there’s already a problem between you and his kids — namely that you’re offended and saddened by their behavior. Thatap something that you can address.
First, talk with your partner about your feelings and the expectation that you had of his sons. See if there is an aspect of his relationship with his sons that he’s not sharing or something that might cast this all in a different light. If you still feel the same way, consider telling him that you plan to talk to the sons and see what he says about that. You may find that he’s against the plan. It would be good to respect that.
If you do talk to the sons, try to lead with suggestions and requests for future behavior, rather than castigation. You could say, for instance, “I know your dad says he doesn’t expect calls on special days, but I’ve seen how much those calls mean to him when they come. Could you try to remember to reach out in the future? If you want a reminder, I’m happy to give it. I think both you and your dad will be glad you got another chance to connect.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
