Dear Eric: I’ve recently started a new relationship with a man who has a very public job in our town. I’m more introverted naturally and I’ve found it really taxing to always be out and about, watching him schmooze with people as I slip into the wallpaper. Before we get more serious, I’m considering breaking it off. I’m not sure I have it in me to be a local celebrity. Am I moving too fast?
— Local Unknown
Dear Local: One thing you didn’t mention is whether you enjoy being with him when you’re not in the public eye. If you do, you may want to hold off on ending things and instead talk to him about how your relationship works, what you’d like and what his expectations might be.
He may not be looking for a local celebrity as a partner. He may not need or want you to schmooze with him. He may have insights into negotiating the public eye that will help you both.
Itap possible that his ideal relationship matches up with your ideal relationship. Talking about what you’re experiencing will provide clarity and strengthen your relationship.
Dear Eric: We have friends who have an adult child who is divorced. This child is on disability but is able to do strenuous work at home. Getting together becomes a hate festival toward this child’s ex-spouse.
When this ex-spouse almost died from an accident, there was no sign of sympathy. In fact, I felt our friends wished this person was dead. I asked why such hatred, and the answer was because this ex hurt the family.
When these people get the two grandchildren for a week in the summer, all we hear is complaints, blaming the ex for everything they think these kids don’t know or do wrong. They think it is up to them as grandparents to correct the children on all things.
We know the kids, they’re nice. They are 11 and 9. You can’t say or question anything because it always jumps to how horrible a parent the ex is.
When we get together with other people, everyone gets sick of hearing about how perfect these two think they are. No one does anything as good as they do.
We’re sick of the bashing of the ex-spouse and kids. Don’t people like this realize they make themselves look bad? It’s not fun anymore. They have become insufferable. Is it wrong to back away from this friendship?
— Backing Away
Dear Backing Away: While divorce often has reverberations throughout a family system, sometimes with hard feelings attached, it seems your friends are stuck in a rut that won’t help them, their child or grandchildren.
They may harbor ill-will toward the ex (and the ex may or may not be deserving of it), but for their own mental well-being they have to find a way to process it, and move on. Failing to do so will only make them feel worse.
You can, as their friends, point this out. It sounds like you’ve already tried. But they have to be the ones to want to change.
If your feelings about them have soured because of the way they talk about the ex, it makes sense to back away. Before you do, you may want to point out that the talk about the ex has consumed your friendship with them and ask that they change the subject. They may be able to honor this request, but if they can’t the next best thing may be to go your separate ways.
Dear Eric: I just read the letter from “Estate Division” who was considering leaving money to some nieces and nephews but not all of them. One thing you said really struck home with me. “Think about what you want your money to accomplish after you’re gone.” There are emotional ramifications as well as financial ones when leaving money to relatives.
My aunt had no children, but she had nine nieces and nephews. She chose to leave different amounts to different people according to a ranking system known only to her. She also left a few out of the will entirely, which left hurt feelings.
Those of us who received more than others were embarrassed and unsure what to do. We all get along and we decided not to let it change our relationships. But I know there is some resentment under the surface. Unfortunately, that has become my aunt’s legacy.
I hope that “Estate Division” will take your advice about her will so that it doesn’t leave lasting questions and hurt feelings after she has gone.
— Divided Estate
Dear Estate: Thank you for sharing your perspective and I’m sorry that your family had to experience this confusion and hurt. Hopefully, in time you’re able to separate your auntap life from what she left behind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
