Dear Eric: I have a problem with my sister. She’s 71 years old and for the past two years she has had several medical issues. One in particular is very debilitating and makes it very difficult for her to walk.
She has not been to a doctor for at least 10 years and even though she doesn’t feel well, she refuses to see a doctor because she is afraid of getting a fatal diagnosis. She also suffers from extreme anxiety.
I’ve tried, without success, to convince her to see a doctor since waiting will only make things worse. But whenever I bring it up, she just shuts down and refuses to talk about it.
I am so afraid for her. We have heart disease, diabetes and hypertension that runs in our family, and she could have all of them. Is there anything I can do or say to change her mind about seeing a doctor?
— Worried Sister
Dear Sister: I’m sorry your sister is going through this. Feeling anxious about doctors, hospitals, or seeking healthcare is something that, unfortunately, many people experience to some degree.
For any kind of anxiety, therapy can be a helpful first step, if she’ll agree to talk to someone. It may be a more attractive proposition for her if you suggest that you talk to someone together, especially considering you have your own anxiety about her health. Many therapists will see you over a secure video portal, so she doesn’t have to navigate walking to an office.
She has to want to change. It may be easier to get her there by proposing lifestyle changes that will benefit her whether or not she has diabetes, hypertension or anything else. The American Heart Association (heart.org) has a very comprehensive page on their website dedicated to healthy living, for instance. If your sister experiences small improvements in her quality of life, she may be more motivated to seek out additional medical support.
Dear Eric: I have a five-year-old nephew who has a three-year-old sister. The family dotes on the boy (he can do no wrong) and criticizes the girl. They are Orthodox Christians. My brother, their grandfather, even said that if the birth order had been different, if they had given birth to the “wild” girl first, that the parents would not have conceived a second child.
This seems like a lot to put on a little girl’s shoulders. When I play with these two children, I do my best to not favor the boy and give equal time to the girl. This enrages the boy. He wants to be the center of attention at all times since this is what he is used to.
Last time when I finished making a fort with the boy, I turned my attention to the girl and he started screaming at me. I remained calm and invited him to our game of catch. Instead, he started lobbing hard objects aimed at me, with the velocity of a professional fastball pitcher. I did not share all this with the parents.
They did hear me talk to the boy explaining that what he did was unacceptable, that I had zero tolerance for that behavior, and I expected an apology. First, he apologized but then said I made him do it. I told him he needed to accept full responsibility for his actions. Finally, he gave me an unconditional apology which I thanked him for.
My dilemma is I have lingering resentments to this entitled boy. He is not responsible for the way he is being raised. How can I be kind to this boy who I am unfairly finding so much fault with?
— Feminist Auntie
Dear Auntie: While children aren’t always fully aware of what they’re doing or how their behavior impacts others, they do have distinct personality traits. Itap normal to sometimes clash with another human’s personality.
Of course, a child should be corrected when he throws things or tantrums. Itap good that you did. But the lingering resentments are probably rooted in your feelings about his grandfather — your brother — and the boy’s parents.
Part of this is about who he is as a person at present, but most of it is about his parents and how they’re raising him. Your frustration and resentment with him may be exacerbated by the fact that you can’t undo some of the aspects of his parenting with which you don’t agree.
Going forward, it may be helpful to acknowledge, for yourself, that the personality mismatch, at least for now, means that you need to have a different boundary with him. You may need to modify how you play with him or how you interact, so that you can maintain the kindness you want to show without putting you both in a situation in which you’ll be activated.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
