Dear Eric: My husband is running for a seat on the school board. He’s part of a slate of candidates put together by local party leadership. I can’t understand why he’s doing this at all. I don’t think he would be good for this role. He’s a 35-year-old man with no kids. I don’t even think he likes kids.
I’ve asked him about this, and he says itap just good to have a voice and that he was encouraged to do it by a friend, who is very involved politically.
I guess I asked too many questions because now he says he suspects I’m not going to vote for him. Honestly, I hadn’t planned on voting anyway. But now do I have to vote for him? This all seems like a mid-life crisis or something.
— No Vote
Dear Vote: You don’t have to vote for anyone you don’t believe in, even if that person is your spouse. Your voting record is public but who you vote for is private. You can keep it that way.
If you have concerns about your husband’s readiness, ask him questions as you would any other candidate. You are in a unique position to get him thinking.
Even if he’s unmovable, don’t let that stop you from doing your own research. Go to your party’s website or a neutral site like balletopedia.org to learn about the different races in your area and the issues at stake. Even if the candidates aren’t informed, the voters can be.
But whatever you choose to do, please step inside that voting booth and exercise your right to vote.
Dear Eric: My father moved overseas after my parents were divorced, when I was a toddler, and has not participated in my upbringing and has not helped in any financial way.
He still lives half a world away and is now in his 90s. I have children and grandchildren of my own, but he never asks much about my life.
I have been fortunate to have worked with a great therapist, who in a short period of time was able to identify the issues in my father/daughter relationship and find a way for me to forgive my father and move on. She explained that he is a narcissist.
Everything was going well in my mind, and I was in a good place until recently. My daughter went through some reproductive trauma and was finally able to conceive through IVF. This is her second child. I texted my father about her upcoming childbirth (we mostly text because he is hard of hearing). I wrote that he will soon be a great-grandfather again.
His response was: they already have one child, why do they need another one? This is from a man who kept making more children with multiple women knowing that I, his daughter, was growing up in need of many basic things, and struggling, and never offered to send a penny.
I don’t even wish to communicate with him anymore, but he is in his 90s, widowed, and has a few health issues. But reading that text was very unsettling. I have not told my husband or children about it and am embarrassed to, so I probably won’t. Do you have any advice for me on how to process this and go on?
— Almost Fatherless
Dear Almost: Please try to quiet the voice thatap telling you to feel embarrassment about your father. His antisocial responses are not your fault nor are they reflections on you. To your therapistap point, there is something thatap keeping him from engaging with you — and perhaps with the world — in a way thatap productive or kind. This hurts you, I know. But you haven’t done anything to deserve it.
It may help to share this experience with your husband, if only to hear someone in your life say, “that shouldn’t have happened to you and I’m sorry.”
When reaching out to him, you may have had a certain response in mind. Thatap not unreasonable, of course. But part of processing this may involve acknowledging that your father isn’t able or willing to give you what you need or deserve.
You have some control here. If you don’t want to engage with him in this way anymore, itap not unkind to set a boundary thatap healthier for you. Right now, it sounds like you’re communicating more than is useful for you and he’s not doing much to maintain the relationship. It might be best, for instance, to reduce texts to perfunctory check-ins about health or something else. There may be some part of you that hopes he’ll finally get it and be a better father to you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that. But extend yourself some kindness by removing yourself from a situation that causes you disappointment.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
