Dear Eric: I really cannot tell if I’m the problem at work. I’ve been on a team for the last four years. We mainly focus on one project. Other members of the team have joined or fallen away, but the core group has been largely the same.
At the beginning I had my doubts about some of the people and their work styles. A few members seemed to be all talk. The team leads were in over their heads. But I think of myself as collaborative and I mostly kept my head down and tried to show up when and where needed.
Our deliverables have remained consistent, even improved. And I think I’m doing good work, under increasingly erratic circumstances.
But my patience is wearing thin. They all seem to get along with each other (except the ones who secretly don’t and tell me about their complaints behind everyone’s backs). I find that I can’t help but roll my eyes at most of these people, and their work, and the whole thing.
Now I’m starting to wonder if people are talking about me behind my back. I think of myself as helpful and amenable but itap possible I’m also a negative presence. How can I figure it out?
— Working it Out
Dear Working: If people are talking to you about other members of the team behind their backs, there’s a very good chance that they’re talking about you to other members behind your back. Indeed, I’d say itap almost certainly happening.
Some people are complainers or gossipers, so you ought to decide whether you value their opinions before making a decision about yourself.
More importantly, seek out someone whose opinion you do value — a colleague, ideally, someone who knows the world and the work, but perhaps not someone on the team. Ask for their neutral opinion. But be careful not to get drawn in by the siren song of complaint or drama. If you really want to be a positive presence, especially in a work situation that seems a bit chaotic, your focus has to be on establishing and achieving personal performance goals rather than relitigating old drama. It sounds like your question is mostly about how to show up as your best self, regardless of what other people are doing, so focus on that.
Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married 16 years and have a wonderful relationship. Her daughter is almost 40 and has been married eight years to a husband who is lazy, stupid, deceitful and entitled (her words not mine).
Despite this her daughter says she loves him and he isn’t going anywhere (she hates any type of change). On top of this, the mother-in-law has been extremely nasty to us and my wife’s daughter since day one.
The son-in-law is a true mama’s boy and never stands up to his mother to support his wife. My wife’s daughter lives close to us, while the in-laws are several hours away. We see them only a couple times a year.
The mother-in-law demands they visit them multiple times a year, claiming (falsely) that they see us “all the time.”
The in-laws have some money and threaten to cut the daughter and husband out of the will if she doesn’t get what she wants.
We have actually been more supportive financially to them without placing any demands.
My wife tries her best to support her daughter and not place additional stress on her but is feeling hurt and unappreciated. Any suggestions on how we can better navigate this difficult situation?
— Unappreciated
Dear Unappreciated: You have a pretty comprehensive view of the unfair pressures that your wife’s daughter is under. While you (and perhaps the daughter) might reasonably wish that she wasn’t with the guy, this is the choice she’s making.
You’re a crucial support for her. So, it might be helpful to reframe what you consider appreciation. Do you really want your daughter to respond to you in the way that she responds to her in-laws? Or is it more important that you have a healthy, communicative relationship that doesn’t involve coercion?
It can be very hard to be the stable presence for someone who is in an unhealthy relationship. Itap not unreasonable that your wife is feeling left behind. But what you might be looking for more than appreciation is connection. For instance, it seems that there’s a desire to see your wife’s daughter more frequently. This is something she can ask for. “I’d really like to spend more time with you. I was thinking, maybe, lunch next week; whatap your schedule like?”
By being proactive about asking for what she wants, your wife won’t get trapped in the diminishing returns of comparing her relationship to the one between her daughter and her daughter’s in-laws.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
